Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Poetry
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-16-2007, 08:11 AM   #1
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
dannyboy is an unknown quantity at this point
Pinocchio’s first date

Pinocchio’s first date

Without strings decisions meander
into the darkness, twinkle as if a mirror
is behind each thought reflecting that
which lies behind. A key might be better,
turned by unseen hands so the coil is set
free and decisions spin to the tune
of burning rubber. The ballerina dances
in her box, in permanent night, waiting
for my call. I can picture her lips,
her small breasts and thighs more advanced
than my desire. I cannot dial the number!

I have splinters in my heart, my lips
are chewed by teeth holding back the words
I want to whisper. I can smell her ears -
their secret wax ready for my tongue,
a seal stronger than any kiss.

Her music haunts me.
The Hurdy Gurdy heart thumps.
It is a large step moving from child
to holding the ballerina’s hand.

Her eyes sparkle like light caught
along the edges of a serrated leaf.
I feel the future autumnal flutter
in the diminishing space between my legs.

We are an ocean pulled
by the memory of single cell moons
towards infinite repetition.

Last edited by dannyboy : 10-16-2007 at 08:55 AM.
dannyboy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2007, 08:53 AM   #2
Profound Writer
 
vangoghsear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
vangoghsear is on a distinguished road
Excellent as usual Dannyboy. One minor thing: Hurdy Gurdy I think is correct.

Many unique images, good flow.

Quote:
Her eyes sparkle like light caught
along the edges of a serrated leaf.
I like the above. As I said, unique.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
vangoghsear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2007, 08:56 AM   #3
Ink Slinger
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
dannyboy is an unknown quantity at this point
ta van - damn windows spellcheck I had Gurdy!
dannyboy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-16-2007, 09:32 AM   #4
Writing Machine
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
Eiji Tunsinagi is an unknown quantity at this point
Hmm. This one is definitely different...I don't know if I like it though. Some of it feels too much like prose. I'll read it some more.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
Eiji Tunsinagi is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:03 PM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers