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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-15-2007, 08:41 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,507
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not easy to say but what the hey
If I’ve had too much speed
And that all it is
Then I’m sorry for worrying
But - this is a need.
If you think its greed.
And I’m lying to you
Then I’m sorry I didn’t word it properly
For your understanding I plead.
Please read what I want you to hear.
You don’t have to.
You don’t need to,
Just lend us an ear.
Dear – I love you forever.
And now’s not the best time
And the words aren’t probably the best rhymes,
But you were always much more clever.
And that is why I love you.
__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith
Anarchy for me - Anything for whatever anyone else wishes.
Acid culture, techno culture, underground culture, rebel culture!
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10-15-2007, 08:58 PM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: st. louis, misery
Gender: Male
Posts: 436
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It flowed pretty well, and I don't say that often. My problem is that I found myself drifting off into my own thoughts halfway through. It may, however, be that I am just in a weird mood and that the poem really IS gripping. I don't know. If someone else mentions that, I'd say you may need to touch it up. If people disagree, then just disregard this.
wow, that comment was totally useless 
__________________
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"The cutting edge of this instant right here and now is always nothing less than the totality of everything there is." -Robert Pirsig
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10-15-2007, 09:03 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I hate to sound like a bastard (which I've managed to be doing less, recently) but this didn't really say anything. For how long it is, I feel you could have said the same in 2 or 3 lines.
It just seemed to dance around something that I didn't really know about...sorry...But maybe I don't know what I'm talking about...get some more opinions first...
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-15-2007, 09:03 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,992
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Reads kind of like a letter. "that" in line 2 of the first stanza should be "that's"? This comes across far more as a personal piece than one for public consumption.
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10-15-2007, 09:09 PM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,507
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oh yeh - ill admit its nothing more than poetic masturbation but thanks for the comments
__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith
Anarchy for me - Anything for whatever anyone else wishes.
Acid culture, techno culture, underground culture, rebel culture!
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10-15-2007, 11:17 PM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,867
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"not to be a bastard" but it doesn't strike me as poetic. Maybe "word masturbation" or something sorry. I couldn't get into this.
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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-16-2007, 04:03 AM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
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For a lot of people not being bastards, they're utter bastards, eh?
One more bastard - the rhythm was too off for me to get anything other than a bunch of disjointed musings. Sorry.
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10-16-2007, 09:56 AM
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#8
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: England, the beautiful southwest.
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,299
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Brilliant. Really fantastic use of the character's voice. It's so very authentic and I was engaged throughout. I really rate this one.
You don't need me to tell you that I disagree entirely with all the other comments, lol. The comments seem to miss the point, for me, anyway.
Last edited by Mermaid on the breakwater : 10-16-2007 at 10:01 AM.
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