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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-15-2007, 05:30 PM
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#1
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Cheap Trick
removed for publishing reasons
Last edited by Baron : 10-28-2007 at 05:51 AM.
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10-15-2007, 05:35 PM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Cheap Trick
Closeted chamber erupts; laughter, hollow and full,
heady talk, alcohol oiled, white water rapid;
easy allure, come hither smile leads to easier play,
aroma of incense intoxicates, mind drifts away
past cautious thoughts, reckless dreams to longing.
Tailored to thrill with looks that can kill,
rewriting ancient commandments and closing the door;
infinite promise resides in finite gesture
cultivated to lure, forget counting the cost,
kicks at a price, no matter, what’s lost?
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I like allot of this one. It is quick but remains coherent, and I especially like the 2nd stanza -- it only disappoints me that I had to create the image to go with it myself. But you gave me the feeling.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-15-2007, 06:19 PM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
I like allot of this one. It is quick but remains coherent, and I especially like the 2nd stanza -- it only disappoints me that I had to create the image to go with it myself. But you gave me the feeling.
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Thanks for the comment, Elji. Hope you enjoyed the image you created.  |
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10-15-2007, 06:26 PM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Thanks for the comment, Elji. Hope you enjoyed the image you created. |
lol hope that wasn't too harsh. I like imagery in my poems, what can I say. 
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-15-2007, 06:39 PM
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#5
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Cheap Trick
Tailored to thrill with looks that can kill,
cultivated to lure, forget counting the cost,
kicks at a price, no matter, what’s lost?
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do you feel its necessary for a poem to rhyme? |
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10-15-2007, 06:42 PM
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#6
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoth
do you feel its necessary for a poem to rhyme?
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Do all my poems rhyme? |
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10-15-2007, 06:49 PM
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#7
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Do all my poems rhyme?
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you write them, do they?
Have you shown us all your poems? |
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10-15-2007, 06:52 PM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoth
you write them, do they?
Have you shown us all your poems?
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Did the one that you last commented on rhyme? |
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10-15-2007, 07:00 PM
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#9
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Did the one that you last commented on rhyme?
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the one I just read ,yes it rhymed.
Last edited by Thoth : 10-15-2007 at 07:18 PM.
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10-15-2007, 07:12 PM
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#10
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
lol hope that wasn't too harsh. I like imagery in my poems, what can I say. |
Harsh? Sometimes I like the imagery and sometimes the idea, depends on what I want to do with the poem. 
On the critique level its often a no win situation. Put in too much and you get told "show and don't tell", keep it abstract and it's "put something concrete in". Really depends on the poem and if there was enough here to make you create an image in your head then it can't be that bad. |
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10-15-2007, 07:49 PM
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#11
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Cheap Trick
Closeted chamber erupts; laughter, hollow and full,
heady talk, alcohol oiled, white water rapid;
easy allure, come hither smile leads to easier play,
aroma of incense intoxicates, mind drifts away
past cautious thoughts, reckless dreams to longing.
Tailored to thrill with looks that can kill,
rewriting ancient commandments and closing the door;
infinite promise resides in finite gesture
cultivated to lure, forget counting the cost,
kicks at a price, no matter, what’s lost?
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Lol that took me a few seconds (minutes...hours...) to notice! Probably because I never expect it or look for it unless somebody clues me in.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-15-2007, 08:46 PM
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#12
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
Lol that took me a few seconds (minutes...hours...) to notice! Probably because I never expect it or look for it unless somebody clues me in.
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Az tends to use caps when he does it but people still fail to notice unless they're told.  |
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10-15-2007, 08:53 PM
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#13
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 1,507
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made me think did this one. dont know if thats what you were trying to achieve but theres some powerfull imagery and suggestion within this one
__________________
'Jonny's laying in his sperm coffin and the angel looks down at him and says:
"Oh, pretty boy, can't you show me nothing but surrender?' - Patti Smith
Anarchy for me - Anything for whatever anyone else wishes.
Acid culture, techno culture, underground culture, rebel culture!
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10-15-2007, 09:44 PM
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#14
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,741
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Well doh! I missed the acrostic completely - always do. You obviously have a good command of the language and a great vocab. It makes me wonder if that is not your enemy sometimes Baron. Too much happening and not enough going on for me in this one. There, now you know I'm a genuine blond! Maybe if this is a practice at a 'form' and you are happy with that, my comments won't mean much, offered in good intent though. : )
regards huni
__________________
each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust
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10-15-2007, 10:19 PM
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#15
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amber Leaf
made me think did this one. dont know if thats what you were trying to achieve but theres some powerfull imagery and suggestion within this one
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Thanks for the comment, appreciated.  |
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