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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-15-2007, 10:37 PM
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#16
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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I don't see much imagery in it but the choice of words is interesting.
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10-15-2007, 10:42 PM
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#17
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoth
I don't see much imagery in it but the choice of words is interesting.
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That's what I think. The words are pretty, but the image is not (because it doesn't exist). But the words were tactful enough to give me the ability to create my own image.
I would say this work is relatively open to one's interpretation.
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-15-2007, 10:53 PM
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#18
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Thanks for the comments, huni, Thoth and Elji.
I really didn't want to go for a strong image in this one, just the suggestion. Ass I am primarily a visual artist I've been accused of putting too much emphasis on imagery in other poems so I thought I'd just play around with one or two that are more wordplay.
Last edited by Baron : 10-15-2007 at 10:56 PM.
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10-15-2007, 11:05 PM
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#19
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,741
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Your welcome. I always worry I come over too pushy and/or critical. Interesting that you are an artist. Have you read any of the work of the Imagists? I just got a little second hand book a month ago and have fallen in love with it. They took the much older 'free verse' idea and went very strongly at image poetry. I am thinking of taking some of mine and redoing them in that form. As an artist (amateur) myself It was a very strong connection for me. I really get your desire to go the other way though B (wordplay) I started that way (wordplay) and went to the 'concrete' pathway. It's all been good though. warm regards - h
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each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust
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10-15-2007, 11:11 PM
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#20
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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Entu as vieran mote iy.
"All roads may lead to success."
Not digging this one Baron, sorry. Don't like the meter/rhythm. The rhymes didn't bother me, nor did the imagery(contrary to popular opinion). I saw a very detailed picture in this. Not sure if it's a bar or a whorehouse, or something else... but that's pretty close to what I'm seeing with this. The rhythm gave me a headache though, so I can't say it was one of your best.
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10-15-2007, 11:22 PM
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#21
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Entu as vieran mote iy.
"All roads may lead to success."
Not digging this one Baron, sorry. Don't like the meter/rhythm. The rhymes didn't bother me, nor did the imagery(contrary to popular opinion). I saw a very detailed picture in this. Not sure if it's a bar or a whorehouse, or something else... but that's pretty close to what I'm seeing with this. The rhythm gave me a headache though, so I can't say it was one of your best.
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You know that your blunt honesty is always valued and appreciated. I'll pm you some Ibrufen.  Did you pick up on the acrostic before the meter overwhelmed you?
Last edited by Baron : 10-15-2007 at 11:24 PM.
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10-15-2007, 11:33 PM
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#22
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
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Posts: 3,866
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yes.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-16-2007, 12:29 AM
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#23
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
yes.
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Well that was to the point. Nothing like word economy.   |
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10-16-2007, 03:46 AM
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#24
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
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I struggled with this. There were some interesting phrases, some good structure too. However, it was too cold for me. It reminds me of someone cooking something I don't like to eat, but cooking it well. Great technique but too little taste.
I hope that comes across right!
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10-16-2007, 12:13 PM
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#25
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete_C
I struggled with this. There were some interesting phrases, some good structure too. However, it was too cold for me. It reminds me of someone cooking something I don't like to eat, but cooking it well. Great technique but too little taste.
I hope that comes across right!
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Thanks for the comment Pete. I get what you're saying and I'll give some thought but I really don't want to strengthen the imagery in this one.  |
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10-16-2007, 12:21 PM
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#26
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Cheap Trick
Closeted chamber erupts; laughter, hollow and full,
heady talk, alcohol oiled, white water rapid;
easy allure, come hither smile leads to easier play,
aroma of incense intoxicates, mind drifts away
past cautious thoughts, reckless dreams to longing.
Tailored to thrill with looks that can kill,
rewriting ancient commandments and closing the door;
infinite promise resides in finite gesture
cultivated to lure, eyes meet eyes at a cost,
kill resistance, no matter, what’s lost?
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nothing to say but that is a very good poem! nice rhythm, excellent choice of word and strong words at the beginning and end of lines. love it! 
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10-16-2007, 01:45 PM
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#27
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azmakna
nothing to say but that is a very good poem! nice rhythm, excellent choice of word and strong words at the beginning and end of lines. love it! |
Thanks for the comment Az  |
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