Writers Forum - WritingForums.com Home Rules FAQ Members Groups Calendar Gallery Search
» Sign Up «

Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!

Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
  Search Forums
Lit.Org - Bootcamp for writers. Post your work and other writers review it, it's that easy.

Advanced Search



Go Back   Writers Forum - WritingForums.com > Creativity > Poetry
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

Reply
 
Thread Tools
Old 10-15-2007, 05:01 PM   #1
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 5
glorified is on a distinguished road
My first poem....?

Apathy

nothing worthy of grace came from complacency
yet I sit alone waiting to change the apathy of the world
how did it come to this?

impatient while the sun shines as the apathetic work and play
I ponder something greater
and now sitting alone I am dreading to become what I now dismay. . .

never written poetry before. did this on a whim. would like advice from the pros...thanks
glorified is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2007, 05:15 PM   #2
Wordsmith
 
Baron's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
Baron is on a distinguished road
Send a message via MSN to Baron Send a message via Skype™ to Baron
apathetic, in the second stanza, is too close to apathy in the first. I would suggest changing it. This needs a more concrete image to make it more than rambling thoughts and that point would be a good place to insert it.
Baron is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-15-2007, 06:29 PM   #3
Profound Writer
 
vangoghsear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
vangoghsear is on a distinguished road
Quote:
Originally Posted by glorified View Post
never written poetry before. did this on a whim. would like advice from the pros...thanks
Since you specifically asked...

Quote:
Originally Posted by glorified View Post
Apathy

nothing worthy of grace came from complacency (a good thought)
yet I sit alone waiting to change the apathy of the world (how else could you say this?)
how did it come to this?

impatient while the sun shines as the apathetic work and play
I ponder something greater
and now sitting alone I am dreading to become what I now dismay. . .
The red and blue above are opportunities to create new ways to say a common statement.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
vangoghsear is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 04:25 AM.
Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0


 
You are NOT Logged In.
User Name:

Password



Newsletter

Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
Email:


Related Links

Link to Us:
Writing Forums - Discussions for Writers