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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-13-2007, 09:25 PM
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#1
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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Bones & Fire
removed for copyright reasons
Last edited by Thoth : 10-15-2007 at 01:05 AM.
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10-13-2007, 09:28 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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I found this an interesting read but find the point a little obscure and the flow jumpy.
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10-14-2007, 09:57 AM
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#3
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Mentor
Join Date: May 2007
Location: E. Sussex U.K.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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I liked Fortresses left for time to guard, once upon a time is just a tale of bones and fire. The rest of it left me cold on the whole, little more than a list
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10-14-2007, 09:17 PM
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#4
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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what does everyone else think of it?
Is it nothing more than a list or does it speak to you?
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10-14-2007, 09:58 PM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoth
what does everyone else think of it?
Is it nothing more than a list or does it speak to you?
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Why don't you take a look at this and think of a way of introducing something solid that would weave the ideas together?
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10-14-2007, 10:01 PM
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#6
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Why don't you take a look at this and think of a way of introducing something solid that would weave the ideas together?
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I like it as it is. I revised it and could not think of a better way to present it. |
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10-14-2007, 11:41 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoth
what does everyone else think of it?
Is it nothing more than a list or does it speak to you?
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There's nothing wrong with lists, Whitman used them all the time. The trouble I'm having with this poem is that nothing ties the list together.
*edited with apologies to thoth.*
I only really liked the first three of the last four lines.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
Last edited by Ilasir Maroa : 10-15-2007 at 03:42 PM.
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10-15-2007, 12:06 AM
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#8
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,741
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I like it Thoth, tight, nice metre and form. Good - despite me wanting some small details to draw me in and maybe a context. You use cliche nicely. regards huni.
__________________
each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust
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10-15-2007, 12:44 AM
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#9
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by huni
I like it Thoth, tight, nice metre and form. Good - despite me wanting some small details to draw me in and maybe a context. You use cliche nicely. regards huni.
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the sarcasm is noted.
Ilasir, where are your submissions? |
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10-15-2007, 03:22 AM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: May 2004
Posts: 1,741
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I intended no sarcasm Thoth. I'm sorry that's what I made you believe. I don't use it. The reference was to the way you used it in one line. It was well employed. I like the poem. huni
__________________
each time we see the face ...it is our own ideas of him which we recognize. Proust
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10-15-2007, 03:44 PM
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#11
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoth
Ilasir, where are your submissions?
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I'm sorry about that pm thing. I apologize(for posting it in public)
You can look for my poems, there's plenty of 'em. Probably a few on the second page.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-15-2007, 03:49 PM
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#12
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Britain
Gender: Male
Posts: 660
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I liked it.
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"In the end it is impossible not to become what others think you are." - Julius Caesar
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