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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-13-2007, 05:16 PM
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#1
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,992
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Epitaph
removed for publishing reasons
Last edited by Baron : 10-28-2007 at 05:50 AM.
Reason: Changes to poem
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10-13-2007, 05:32 PM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,867
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Like the rhythm of this piece, baron. Also, the alliteration. Nothing seems forced. Not quite sure about the title or meaning though...
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10-13-2007, 06:08 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Though I only followed about half of it, I enjoyed that half. My head hurts (it's not you, it's me).
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10-13-2007, 06:18 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Like the rhythm of this piece, baron. Also, the alliteration. Nothing seems forced. Not quite sure about the title or meaning though...
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Thanks for the comments. I may explain the title and meaning, if necessary, when I see what other comments there are.  |
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10-13-2007, 07:52 PM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,992
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
Though I only followed about half of it, I enjoyed that half. My head hurts (it's not you, it's me).
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Nice to know that my poetry has such a claming effect.  I've broken it into stanzas.  |
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10-13-2007, 09:58 PM
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#6
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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the alliteration disrupted the flow. Other than that, it has an almost Pink Floyd feel to it.
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10-13-2007, 10:12 PM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Superb. This has the feeling like you shut your eyes and deeply imagined the exact words you wanted, the sounds of the words and the specific meanings you wished to convey.
Economical word choices. Good job Baron.
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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10-13-2007, 10:23 PM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,992
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Will Mushkin
love it!
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Thanks for the comment  |
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10-13-2007, 10:40 PM
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#9
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoth
the alliteration disrupted the flow. Other than that, it has an almost Pink Floyd feel to it.
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Thanks for the comment. As for alliteration, Ilasir, who is an accomplished poet, seems to have a view diametrically opposed so at this point I don't think I'll consider any changes on that score.  |
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10-13-2007, 11:00 PM
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#10
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Banned
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: northeast USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 450
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Thanks for the comment. As for alliteration, Ilasir, who is an accomplished poet, seems to have a view diametrically opposed so at this point I don't think I'll consider any changes on that score. |
I am a published poet.
Just wanted to add that, not that it would change your mind. |
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10-13-2007, 11:26 PM
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#11
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoth
I am a published poet.
Just wanted to add that, not that it would change your mind.
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Snap! |
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10-13-2007, 11:27 PM
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#12
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,992
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vangoghsear
Superb. This has the feeling like you shut your eyes and deeply imagined the exact words you wanted, the sounds of the words and the specific meanings you wished to convey.
Economical word choices. Good job Baron.
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Thanks for the comments Van.  |
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10-14-2007, 01:08 PM
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#13
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Peterborough, Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,916
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though there's some good stuff here
'maudlin movements mark material mayhem' is fun and says something
too many 'ings' and
overall could be more pithy and focused.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Epitaph
soft filtered music
carried on ethereal waves
flowing into my room (flows)
coloured varying shades of lacklustre (don't need 'varying')
spent language echoes
a voice no more (how about just 'no voice'?)
and offers no choices
songs of protest cry (would this line go better with the next stanza)
and feed a cult of self
pressing issues controlled
by men with no faces (faceless men)
in cloistered palaces
where unelect rule
art silenced by select sensationalism
and mediocrity (switch places of 'mediocrity' and 'select sensationalism'?)
maudlin movements mark material mayhem
business conglomerates
funding fascist financial foundations
pushing on to the final goal (push)
no sign of the promised feast
and starving images provoke no response
wmd distraction
political refraction
pointing into the night of the soul (could end with 'night')
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10-14-2007, 01:43 PM
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#14
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Epitaph
soft filtered music
carried on ethereal waves- I'd lose the 'carried'.
flowing into my room
coloured varying shades of lacklustre- 'Lacklustre'- this too. I think it just interupts a better flow.
spent language echoes
a voice no more
and offers no choices
songs of protest cry
and feed a cult of self
pressing issues controlled
by men with no faces
in cloistered palaces
where unelect rule
art silenced by select sensationalism -'By senses' would sound alot better.
and mediocrity
maudlin movements mark material mayhem- Again I find this distracting from what your saying
business conglomerates
funding fascist financial foundations
pushing on to the final goal
no sign of the promised feast
and starving images provoke no response
wmd distraction
political refraction
pointing into the night of the soul |
I love some of this Baron, but a few niggles with the choice of language. Didn't enjoy this as much as most of your work.
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10-14-2007, 02:00 PM
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#15
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Scribe
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: The wild wild west
Gender: Private
Posts: 96
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I think writing out Weapons of Mass Destruction would be helpful to the poem. Nice piece, I really like the last line a lot.
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