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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-12-2007, 01:41 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Racing Dragonflies (light fun)
Racing Dragonflies
© Vangoghsear 2007
A dragonfly raced my car today
inches from my windshield glass.
It flew along then raced away
from where other bugs lost their ass,
It made me wonder, how long they live?
and how much more did I?
That brief encounter, this account I give
of that reckless dragonfly.
So live each moment as your last
cause one day you may be
like that dragonfly in the path
of a great big SUV.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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10-12-2007, 02:06 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vangoghsear
Racing Dragonflies
© Vangoghsear 2007
A dragonfly raced my car today
inches from my windshield glass.
It flew along then raced away
from where other bugs lost their ass, where other bugs had
It made me wonder, how long they live? lose it
and how much more did I?
That brief encounter, this account I give lose it
of that reckless dragonfly.
So live each moment as your last
cause one day you may be
like that dragonfly in the path needs another syllable somehow.
of a great big SUV.
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 just a few suggestions. |
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10-12-2007, 02:45 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Edit Number 1
Racing Dragonflies
© Vangoghsear 2007
A dragonfly raced my car today
inches from my windshield glass.
It flew along then raced away
where other bugs had lost their ass,
Made me wonder, how long they live?
and how much more did I?
brief encounter, this account I give
of that reckless dragonfly.
So live each moment as your last
'cause one day you may be
like that insect flying in the path
of a great big SUV.
***
Thanks for the comments Baron. Took several of your suggestions.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Last edited by vangoghsear : 10-12-2007 at 03:06 PM.
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10-12-2007, 02:59 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Better rhythm now. Cause should be 'cause or even 'cos
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10-12-2007, 03:06 PM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Right. Will fix that. Thanks Baron.
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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10-12-2007, 03:12 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Much much better. I enjoyed this. I hate when dragonflies and locusts (or whatever) hit the windshield...usually they leave that giant mark on the glass....
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-12-2007, 03:19 PM
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#7
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 251
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He wasn't so reckless if he got away!
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10-12-2007, 05:52 PM
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#8
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Mentor
Join Date: May 2007
Location: E. Sussex U.K.
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Inappropriate joke, what's the last thing on a fly's mind when it hits the windscreen? It's arse.
I admire your ability to take criticism and use it to your advantage, I know it's what we are all supposed to do...
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10-12-2007, 06:44 PM
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#9
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Scribe
Join Date: Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 64
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deleted
Last edited by Queen of Wands : 10-16-2007 at 04:59 AM.
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10-13-2007, 07:30 AM
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#10
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amadeus
He wasn't so reckless if he got away!
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It was cool. I was at a park where I had to go 15 mph and the dragonfly flew over in front of my moving car and began to go in the same direction then took off elsewhere. He was lucky I wasn't going faster. But yeah I guess he wasn't so reckless. . .this time. 
Thanks for the comments everyone.
Thanks for the help Baron.
ET, those big insects really do leave a huge mark. I was glad this one got away.
Cute joke Olly. I do try and learn from my mistakes.
Glad you like it Q of W!
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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10-13-2007, 12:31 PM
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#11
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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Ah, light fun and humorous Van. Good rhythm and rhyme for this piece.
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10-14-2007, 03:17 PM
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#12
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Addict
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 177
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Dear Vangoghsear, your title was so impelling, I had to read this. An excellent piece, which I truly enjoyed. It had a message. The rhythm was great and it was fun. Thank you so much for sharing.
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10-15-2007, 10:26 AM
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#13
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Thanks for the comments Ilasir and CD. Glad you two liked this.
CD, Although fun, it does have a little message.
Ilasir, it does have more rhyme than most of the poetry I've been doing lately.
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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