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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-12-2007, 08:29 AM
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#1
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Axis
Smoke so trapped, with little vent
Piano cries whilst money's spent
Behind the face lies nothing
Parched mosaic beneath a
Sheet of life, that was once
Alive in memory
Etched and strained
Like the strings of a cello
Stretching sounds of pain
With horsehair bow
When will then be now?
The symphony beckons
A wilting flame upon the
Contours of humanities back
Creating shadows from the spine
As it splits the sky-line
Like an alibi for sun
Immortal space and time
For the axis
To
Spin, spin
And spin
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
Last edited by SteMcGrath : 10-12-2007 at 08:38 AM.
Reason: Just to touch up the flow.
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10-12-2007, 08:31 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Some good ideas here but the flow is a little uneven. I would suggest reading this aloud and rounding some of the curves.
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10-12-2007, 08:34 AM
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#3
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Some good ideas here but the flow is a little uneven. I would suggest reading this aloud and rounding some of the curves.
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You're right Baron. I'm going to edit this now. See what you think when it's edited. Cheers
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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10-12-2007, 09:03 AM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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I'm still finding the last two lines of the fourth stanza and the first two of the fifth a little jerky.
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10-12-2007, 09:15 AM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteMcGrath
Smoke so trapped, with little vent
Piano cries whilst money's spent
Behind the face lies nothing
Parched mosaic beneath a
Sheet of life, that was once
Alive in memory
Etched and strained
Like the strings of a cello
Stretching sounds of pain
With horsehair bow
When will then be now?
The symphony beckons
A wilting flame upon the
Contours of humanities back
Creating shadows from the spine
As it splits the sky-line
Like an alibi for sun
Immortal space and time
For the axis
To
Spin, spin
And spin
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I like this - but regarding the flow, I don't think the bold phrases gel together...
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-12-2007, 09:39 AM
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#6
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Scribe
Join Date: Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 64
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deleted
Last edited by Queen of Wands : 10-16-2007 at 06:10 AM.
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10-12-2007, 10:53 AM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteMcGrath
Smoke so trapped, with little vent
Piano cries whilst money's spent
Behind the face lies nothing
Parched mosaic beneath a
Sheet of life, that was once
Alive in memory
Etched and strained
Like the strings of a cello
Stretching sounds of pain
With horsehair bow
When will then be now?
The symphony beckons
A wilting flame upon the
Contours of humanities back
Creating shadows from the spine
As it splits the sky-line
Like an alibi for sun
Immortal space and time
For the axis
To
Spin, spin
And spin
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There are marvelous moments here. Very poetic feel to this for me. Yeah it trips a little here and there, but I still like it, you're saying what you mean and I can feel the artist (you) in the wording.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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10-13-2007, 03:31 PM
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#8
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I'm still finding the last two lines of the fourth stanza and the first two of the fifth a little jerky.
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I'm revising some alternatives without losing mu thought. Cheers for comment
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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10-13-2007, 03:33 PM
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#9
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vangoghsear
There are marvelous moments here. Very poetic feel to this for me. Yeah it trips a little here and there, but I still like it, you're saying what you mean and I can feel the artist (you) in the wording.
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Thanks Van. Appreciate your comments.
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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10-13-2007, 04:17 PM
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#10
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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I think that this is flowing better now.
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10-13-2007, 05:00 PM
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#11
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 251
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I like this. It sounds great, set to music.
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10-13-2007, 05:40 PM
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#12
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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Not digging the first stanza, but the rest had some god images.
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10-14-2007, 01:32 PM
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#13
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Thanks for comments everyone.
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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