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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-11-2007, 04:08 PM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Perception
Perception
©Vangoghsear 2007
I stare through
a glass prison
and wonder,
who am I to you?
You part your
thinning hair
on the wrong side.
Photos, teeth crooked,
“Do I look like that?”
Distorted bent light
“hair’s not right”
watch a bird, dance,
blink and it’s
all ruined.
Cold really
no reality.
No warmth inside
a shirt, outside sun
heats an off-white cloth
breeze slips under
hair’s blown
out of place
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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10-11-2007, 04:36 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Looking into the mirror and coming to grips with reality?   
I'm having a little difficulty in relating the last stanza to the first two. |
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10-11-2007, 04:54 PM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
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Getting harder all the time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I'm having a little difficulty in relating the last stanza to the first two.
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I've been dealing with time and our perceptions of reality in my last few poems. Mirrors show us a different image than anyone else will ever see. Photos capture a moment in time, but it is only two dimensions, not moving changing like reality. Reality adds feeling, heat, breezes, three dimensions that we cannot see all at once, such as our hair being mussed.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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10-11-2007, 05:05 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vangoghsear
Getting harder all the time.
I've been dealing with time and our perceptions of reality in my last few poems. Mirrors show us a different image than anyone else will ever see. Photos capture a moment in time, but it is only two dimensions, not moving changing like reality. Reality adds feeling, heat, breezes, three dimensions that we cannot see all at once, such as our hair being mussed.
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I can see it in your explanation but it isn't clear to me in the poem. See how others perceive it but I think you need another clue in there. |
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10-11-2007, 05:06 PM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Cold really
no reality.
My problems begin with these 2 lines. And end with them. I don't get the "really". This piece is OK, nothing shocking or too memorable...but I do understand where you are coming from, looking in the mirror... 
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-12-2007, 09:14 AM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Perception
©Vangoghsear 2007
I stare through
a glass prison,
the world only visits,
and wonder,
who am I to you?
You part your
thinning hair
on the wrong side.
Photos, teeth crooked,
“Do I look like that?”
Distorted bent light
“hair’s not right”
turn your head to
watch a bird,
or move, dance,
blink it’s
all ruined.
Time halted.
Images trapped
in fading ink.
Feelings escape
untouched from
glass and paper.
Warmth is
reality. Inside
a shirt, outside sun
heats the off-white cloth.
Breeze slips under.
Hair’s blown
out of place.
***
Revised quite a bit. Meaning a little clearer?
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
Last edited by vangoghsear : 10-12-2007 at 10:09 AM.
Reason: Added periods in S4 after 'cloth' and 'under' to help the rhythm.
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10-12-2007, 09:37 AM
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#7
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I like the descriptions in the last stanza most...overall I like this one -- and yes, it is clearer. 
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-12-2007, 09:47 AM
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#8
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Scribe
Join Date: Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 64
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deleted
Last edited by Queen of Wands : 10-16-2007 at 05:02 AM.
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10-12-2007, 10:12 AM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Thanks for the comment ET. Glad it works better for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Queen of Wands
Like Baron, I found the third stanza at odds with the first two, in your first version. Now it is clearer, but I still have trouble getting round the first five lines of the last stanza in the new version; not so much the meaning as the rhythm.  |
Thanks for the comments. I added some punctuation to clarify the rhythm. Better?
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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10-12-2007, 10:51 AM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vangoghsear
Thanks for the comments. I added some punctuation to clarify the rhythm. Better?
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I think that punctuation kind of weakened it, IMO Van.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-12-2007, 10:55 AM
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#11
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Scribe
Join Date: Oct 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 64
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deleted
Last edited by Queen of Wands : 10-16-2007 at 05:02 AM.
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10-12-2007, 10:56 AM
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#12
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
I think that punctuation kind of weakened it, IMO Van.
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You're the first to comment, so back it goes.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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10-12-2007, 11:01 AM
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#13
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,299
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May I be the first to say that I preferred the first version.
Sorry!
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10-12-2007, 11:02 AM
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#14
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Revised again.
***
Perception
©Vangoghsear 2007
I stare through
a glass prison,
the world only visits,
and wonder,
who am I to you?
You part your
thinning hair
on the wrong side.
Photos, teeth crooked,
“Do I look like that?”
Distorted bent light
“hair’s not right”
turn your head to
watch a bird,
or move, dance,
blink it’s
all ruined.
Time halted.
Images trapped
in fading ink.
Feelings escape
untouched from
glass and paper.
Reality is warmth
inside a shirt.
Outside, the sun
heats the off-white cloth.
Breeze slips under
Hair’s blown
out of place.
***
I think that is closer to what I want to say.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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10-12-2007, 11:04 AM
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#15
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete_C
May I be the first to say that I preferred the first version.
Sorry!
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Where were you earlier Pete_C!  
How do you like it now (3rd edit) though?
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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