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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-07-2007, 03:34 PM
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#1
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Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 59
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The warmth of complexity
lukbn
Last edited by Firebird : 10-08-2008 at 03:03 PM.
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10-07-2007, 03:41 PM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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I'd think about changing some of the line breaks in this for flow an emphasis. Apart from that a solid visual and emotional poem
Last edited by Baron : 10-07-2007 at 03:55 PM.
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10-07-2007, 03:51 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Firebird
Things are simple again
no leaves on the trees
no dogrose or elderflower to fill the hedges
no high verges to hem me in
Only the frostly ploughed fields
and the sun's cold crisp light
shares with me
your departure.
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lovely. consider, Baron's suggestion. 'frostly ploughed' and 'cold crisp light' and 'no high verges to hem me in' are wonderful
__________________
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waiting to be written on,
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waiting to be photocopied.
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10-07-2007, 05:16 PM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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"frostily" you mean? whatever.
Nice imagery here, with an interesting twist at the end.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-07-2007, 05:23 PM
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#5
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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I'd maybe just use one of either 'dogrose' or 'elderflower' to help the flow. Other than that I think this is a very good poem.
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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10-07-2007, 05:43 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Very nice. Like a poetic still life. 
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-07-2007, 06:53 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,532
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yep, good work, but agree with Baron, needs work on its line breaks. Say this oiut loud over and over and you'll find this poem's natural cadence.
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10-08-2007, 02:05 PM
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#8
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Scribe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Posts: 59
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Thanks All!
Thanks all for the input.
I will see what I can do about the line brakes. I agree they don't scan that well.
Could anyone recommend a place that might be interested in publishing this poem. A market that isn't too demanding, to start.
Thanks.
Firebird
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10-08-2007, 02:10 PM
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#9
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Google Online Poetry Journals and start from there. You'll find some that are open to anyone and then you'll find some that think they're godsend and are really anal about submissions. Start with easy ones. Some have you mail work to them -- if you don't want to do that, don't pander about with those.
It's a start. 
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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