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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-01-2007, 04:54 PM
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#1
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Cumbria UK
Gender: Male
Posts: 119
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Love The Taxman
Not important enough to be killed
I led quite a safety first life
Too fit to die from most ills
Avoiding most trouble and strife
You might think it all sounds so easy
Just sitting back taking it calm
Worshiping Body and Spirit
Hoping it comes to no harm
I chose a hard way to make money
Serving Country and Queen
Sometimes it wasn’t so funny
You should see the places I’ve been
Now I get paid for my efforts
Without so much as a wink
Who can I thank for my future
The hardworking Taxpayer… I think
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10-01-2007, 05:25 PM
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#2
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Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Ireland
Gender: Male
Posts: 36
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Jesus.
This is good.
The first eight lines contrast HUGELY to the final seven and I thought it was amazing.
Ace.
__________________
"Poetry is supposed to be an emotional thing, yet you approach it like a science.
That's my tuppence worth anyhow".
~Kuntfinger.
"This I can handle with my fingers crossed knowing sooner or later another one of you will go and then I will be done."
"Nobody's perfect, but there is a f*cking standard."
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10-01-2007, 05:35 PM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,925
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I really like the humour that graces all of your poems that I've seen. Another good one.
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10-01-2007, 05:49 PM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I thoroughly enjoyed this.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-11-2008, 04:37 PM
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#5
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Cumbria UK
Gender: Male
Posts: 119
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Hiya
Thankyou so much for your comments...I sort of got waylaid... but just started looking back through stuff
Eric
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09-11-2008, 06:06 PM
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#6
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Addict
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 149
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Fairplay,
Kudos, a very fun piece. Only suggestion, maybe break it up into stanzas.
I enjoyed,
jel
__________________
jellyfish
just another day in paradise
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09-11-2008, 06:32 PM
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#7
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Addict
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Memphis, TN
Gender: Male
Posts: 150
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Kind of funny, but only a tad.
I think this needs more Oomph and clarity. Also, the rhymes lack invention.
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09-12-2008, 12:19 PM
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#8
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,405
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Stanzas. I agree with shyox on the rhyming bit, but overall I liked the piece.
__________________
To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche
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09-24-2008, 10:59 PM
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#9
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Cumbria UK
Gender: Male
Posts: 119
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Bill the Tax Payer
I’ve been strung up by my bills
when danger was part of my life
Fit? I could brush of most ills
girlfriends and one or two wives
You might say I make it seem easy
just sitting back taking it calm
Worshiping Sex and the Spirits
I wont come to very much harm
I chose a fun way to make money
Serving Country and Queen
Most times it was ever-so-funny
you should see the places I’ve been
Now I get paid for past efforts
been relaxing for quite a long while
The taxpayer pays for my future
Long live Eric the kid with the smile
Last edited by Fairplay : 09-24-2008 at 11:01 PM.
Reason: layout
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09-25-2008, 07:25 AM
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#10
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 202
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I’ve been strung up by my bills
when danger was part of my life.
Fit? I could brush of most ills
girlfriends, and one or two wives.
You might say I make it seem easy,
just sitting back taking it calm -
worshiping Sex and the Spirits,
I wont come to very much harm.
I chose a fun way to make money,
serving Country and Queen;
most times it was ever-so-funny;
you should see the places I’ve been.
Now I get paid for past efforts,
been relaxing for quite a long while...
The taxpayer pays for my future,
long live Eric, the kid with the smile. |
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09-25-2008, 09:48 AM
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#11
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Mar 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,405
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I like Ana's version best, simply because the stanzas make it easier to read.
I really like this piece, and it's common knowledge you're good at rhyming, but... but... maybe you could try some free verse? It's not that I think it would be better, more that I'm dying of curiosity to see how you would do with it, and I think experimenting strengthens any writer.
La la la!
__________________
To forget one's purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. - Friedrich Nietzsche
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09-25-2008, 09:22 PM
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#12
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Addict
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Cumbria UK
Gender: Male
Posts: 119
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Taxing
Hi
Thanks Anna not sure why but I wrote in Word as usual but when I copied it over it kept on putting it in a complete block of writing so I centered it. Maybe it's something to do with the damn Windows explorer 8 Beta I downloaded last week...... I am being patient with it ready for the changeover...it does throw a few fast balls...
Free verse Damien I would have to look up how to do that first, maybe once I know the rules...
Thanks both
Eric
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