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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
10-01-2007, 06:50 AM
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#1
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,284
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Those Bones
- The message you have entered is too short. Please lengthen your message to at least 1 characters.
Last edited by Pete_C : 01-26-2008 at 07:38 AM.
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10-01-2007, 07:42 AM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I liked this one, by the end. The very 1st line of the piece feels a little cliche though. The rest is good, particularly stanza 3.
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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10-01-2007, 08:02 AM
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#3
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: H-town, dawg! (in other words, Houston area, Texas)
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,248
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I agree with Eiji, first line doesn't seem as good as all the otheres. Other than that I absolutely loved it.
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10-01-2007, 09:46 AM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,894
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Looks like I have to staand unanimous with those who have posted ahead of me.
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10-01-2007, 09:54 AM
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#5
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,284
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I agree too, so I ditched it!
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10-01-2007, 10:09 AM
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#6
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: H-town, dawg! (in other words, Houston area, Texas)
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,248
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Much better! Ah, reading it like drinking a cold beer. That is good by the way,.
Is it bad that I want a beer at 10 in the morning?
Anyway, well done.
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10-01-2007, 10:15 AM
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#7
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,284
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlie_Eleanor
Is it bad that I want a beer at 10 in the morning?
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Funnily enough, I wrote that when I got back from LV last week. I went to speak at a conference, but got bored and on the second day I was swallowing ice cold beer and shooting craps at 7am. It kind of went downhill from that point onwards. Then I got hit on by a fifty year old cocktail waitress with a huge arse. |
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10-01-2007, 12:35 PM
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#8
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,673
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Nice Pete... this is quite descriptive... except I don't like the second stanza because it sounds boring and abstract and cliche. Perhaps explain why the "floor" is "timeless"(subtley, of course), and liven up the first half a little with more imagery. Just my two bits there.
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"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-01-2007, 12:47 PM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: London
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,284
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Perhaps explain why the "floor" is "timeless"(subtley, of course).
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I agree that was a clumsy way of putting it, but it's about a low-roller casino which, of course, is always open and exists in an artifical twilight world. Also, the floor is the generic term for where the mugs stand; the pit being where the clever people sit!
I appreciate that anyone whose never entered a low roller dive would miss the point, but as they say, you can't make an omlette...
I'll give it some thought and see if I can't spice it up a notch. Thanks for the crit. |
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10-01-2007, 12:50 PM
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#10
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,673
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pete_C
I agree that was a clumsy way of putting it, but it's about a low-roller casino which, of course, is always open and exists in an artifical twilight world. Also, the floor is the generic term for where the mugs stand; the pit being where the clever people sit!
I appreciate that anyone whose never entered a low roller dive would miss the point, but as they say, you can't make an omlette...
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oh, duh... missed that completely. lol, I feel slow.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-01-2007, 01:06 PM
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#11
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Addict
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 158
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I really liked this one. I've only been to Vegas once, but the imagery of this brought fairly vivid memories to mind. Excellent work.
J
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