cinder and smoke

This is a piece I wrote a really long time ago aka, over three years ago. I haven't been able to produce much more since then which is maddening. I think my mind has been in La La Land LOL.

I guess my intention is to sort of revamp this piece..maybe even take some lines and create something completely new as a sort of prompt.

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4th Avenue

Excuse me
but my name is Emma Fair
I'll stay for some time, if you would allow me to share
My breasts ache, my thighs burn
and itch from the passage of no return
Poke, stir, I do not speak
I am the Mistress beneath the orchard sheets
I am the goddess of midnight feasts
I am the climax, the road to explore
a rag, a cloth, to be thrown on the floor
I ache with the yearning of the hand on my thigh
'the Mr. Wednesdays and Goodbyes'
the C'est la Vies and replies'
of adulation and disgust
I feel as if it is a must
to remove my outer shell and allow
for utter hell


the mirror breaks my fall
at dawn
with lipstick smeared
and hair tousled


something not otherwise specified

SteMcGrath

I get the feeling it's very sexual and nothing else. Which is fine but i I personally prefer something with a more melancholic atmosphere.

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Eiji Tunsinagi

I liked this --- but it seemed pretty standard as a semi-erotic piece (which might be part of the reason why I liked it). I wouldn't call it cliche, but I certainly did not consider it in the groundbreaking department.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

cinder and smoke

SteMcGrath: Yeah, most people enjoy reading about melancholia. I don't really know what made me write about this..I think a song inspired me? Maybe. I really don't remember.

Eiji: Yup, it's standard. I don't really know what else to do with it. I like the concept I was going with. I mean, I was young when I wrote it--say fourteen or so. It obviously needs something more but I don't really know what to do. Sometimes you can't really salvage pieces right?

Eiji Tunsinagi

It's good for fourteen, I suppose. Try going back to what originated the poem and see if you can rewrite a better version. I've done this before and it occasionally works.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

Hate someone saying that a poem is irredeamable. I hope that you excuse the tinkering, just an idea of how you could play with this.

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Ilasir Maroa

Fourteen, huh? Interesting. I think this poem is not really able to be revamped. There's really nothing here to change. It's a standard average, faux-erotic piece that (no offense) has nothing special going for it.

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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

cinder and smoke

I don't take offense, don't worry. Long gone are the days where criticism about my writing actually hurt.

I would like to know, however, what makes it average. Just so my next pieces of work, whatever they might be, don't turn out to be average. Detailed responses would be really appreciated.

SteMcGrath

This should be in the debate forum. One could only list a series of personal views.

__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

cinder and smoke

Baron: Thanks for taking the time to change it up. I don't know how I feel about it though. I like some bits but I think I'm far too attached to the bunched up, fluid like movement of the original version. I could be the only one who sees it that way though and in essence, it means nothing that I do.

I think I agree with Ilasir. I don't think I can do anything with it now without completely picking it apart and throwing it in the fire. Which, I just might do anyway

Pete_C

My tuppence worth (which is worth about tuppence as it goes) is that it's average because it is little more than a list of mundane comments. For me, I learn nothing personal, nothing emotional, nothing secret. It's too ordinary, and that drags it down. If we learned something about you, something genuine that most people would find too shameful or personal to divulge, then it starts to get interesting.

cinder and smoke

Yeah, I'm not much of a poet. My strengths lie in story writing really. I might try to write some poems one of these days. Like I said before, this is quite old. I can assume my skills have improved since then

I'll post a new piece once something comes to mind!

ms. vodka

i keep thinking that i shouldn't like this, but then i keep liking it.

very stylish.

jen

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my finger's on the trigger and my eyes are on the prize

Baron

I absolutley agree and I'm glad that someone else has put in a positive post.

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cinder and smoke

Wow, really?

Thanks Baron and ms. vodka!