Lilith

End of Atmosphere Light
he wrote the diamond BOOK of LOVE.
frozen acid raindrops from up above,
came down and all landed on his heart!
the big red throne of the KING
took a trip with a mystical material thing,
and the KING himself sat with grace
in a rocket moving towards outerspace.
all the mysteries ran wild in the dark,
and then you felt an unusual spark,
down below where crickets play their songs,
about who and what does not belong
to your heart of hearts which took a ride.
next to me, i'd thought you'd died,
with lucy the queen of the backseat.
where melting black causes choose to meet.
and the warped walls close in.
and the driver has no grin,
no power of the silver ride
anymore.
the hour of his fright
fucks a gaping whore!!!

Pete_C

This reads like it's slightly forced. Going out on a limb, it's reminiscent of Juvenille poetry; don't take that comment the wrong way, but it's the kind of thing teenagers write when they're trying to find their own voice (after reading a few beat poet collections).

There are some nice touches in there, and some of the imagery is good, but the construction is stifled to the point of feeling artifical, and it lacks a genuine rhythm.

My own preference would be a few separate stanzas, less words all in BLOCK caps, and few less exclamation marks at the end. Also, go back and tighten up the phrasing, tidy up the images and make sure that each line is not forced or constrained.

Good luck.

The girl left behind...

It was interesting, but i agree with Pete C, It did seem forced and slightly teenager rebellious like.

__________________
"Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none."
-Jules Renard