Lilith

Angel's Peak
Shhhh! the beautiful little resurrection is speaking!
Daylight, make love to a black little fly,
with a storm of security pouring from his eye.
So he can experience a kiss of might,
and shiver in deep secret wetness.
Make him find himself helpless.
I feel the wind crawl.
He wears a diamond covered shawl
to stand out from the other freezing lil flies
who fuck the sleeping night. Dawn says
All rise!!
They'll have children that smile in the dark,
and hunt for the light under the censored bark.Their laughter's a siren.
I'm not leaving while its playing,
cos Angel, I understand what their saying:
"The daylite beads the planets
into a long necklace of promises.
A butterfly struggles against the
wind, blown by air Angels that make
love to the sound of breaking.
Gods dance atop the beads.
We'll keep dancing.
"When daytime ends, when a hollow bends,
from the Angels' highest peak,
another promise ends.
Awakened dead have spoken,
and the crowd stands silent,
watching Angels grow violent
and make their love

citygirl

Well written, although I am not sure what it all means, it is good.....

CG

Pete_C

This had some fantastic phrases and images coupled with some very weak and cringe-worthy ones. The real art will be to cut back the dross without losing what makes this an interesting read.

There is aslo some word repetition in there, such as little in lines 2 and 3, and the quote marks are fucked up. I also found the occasional drift into contractions a little off-putting.

However, you shouldn't give up on this; there's a really good poem stuck in there, so start with a bloody good edit.

Jimothy Onion Thief

I really like this even though it's very crazy strange. It does need polishing. One thing I'll pick out is
They're not their.

Or is it? This piece is weird so I dunno maybe you meant to do that...

Impressive so far Lilith, nice work.