Snes

Memories of you...

Memories of you burn vividly in my head
Memories of you make my face go red
Memories of you take my breath away
Memories of you keep the darkness at bay

Memories of you make me cry
Memories of you could make me die
Memories of you take me off my feet
Memories of you make my heart beat

Memories of you could kill my soul
Memories of you are taking there toll
Memories of you are taking me down
Memories of you make me frown

Memories of you left their scar
Memories of you are so far
Memories of you make me sad
Memories of you aren’t a fad

Memories of you, goodbye
Memories of you, I’m not gonna lie
Memories of you, wishing you were here
Memories of you, forcing every tear

Memories of you, I don’t see your face
Memories of you, missing your grace
Memories of you, even though you are next to me
Memories of you, to my heart, are the perfect key

Eiji Tunsinagi

Here is a way to test your poem on the basis of redundancy. Read it to yourself out loud (and I mean loud) and tell me if by the end you are tired. And tell me, which part are you most tired of reading over and over?

We get the point after about the 3rd time. I will comment further on this poem once you modify it or give me a fantastic reason as to why not to modify it.

Sorry.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Snes

If you cant sit and read a poem that may be a little long, then thats(edit) pathetic. So what if Im just "reapeating myself" after the third stanza(or line?).

But, I did read it outloud, and I dont like the third and fourth to last stanzas, they could be better, so Im taking them off. Thank you for the constructive critisism. It is greatly appreciated.

Eiji Tunsinagi

Don't call me pathetic, that's not very nice. I read your entire poem. I simply questioned whether you had done the same.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Snes

Oh, sorry if I offended you, I was just a little mad at the time. But yeah, Ive read it quite a few times before I posted it(I wrote it a couple days ago) but I didnt do it out-loud. So thanks I guess. And I wasnt calling you pathetic. I was calling the action of not being able to sit through a mabye slightly long poem pathetic, but Im still sorry I offended you.

Edit: Yeah I read the thing and I did directly call you pathetic, sorry.

Eiji Tunsinagi

It's cool.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

I've got to stand in the pathetic queue, I find all the repetition irritating as well. I think that you should think of another way of writing this.

__________________

SteMcGrath

Twenty-four times did get monotonous mate.

__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Ilasir Maroa

Let's put it this way(and no ffence meant): the rest of the poem is nowhere near enough to make up for all that repition, sorry.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

cinder and smoke

Repetition takes a lot to make it seem worthwhile. And like everyone else said, this poem doesn't make it work.

Take out all the "memories of you" and read what you have left. Try rewriting those bits and ignoring the "memories of you." You could very well surprise yourself.

Pete_C

I didn't read it; I just saw all those repeated starts to the lines and then my eyes bled.

I would think that this is what is often called a consensus.