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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 09-29-2007, 11:58 PM   #1
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Matthatter is on a distinguished road
Finding a partner to dance with

He strove to never break and tell
"I wish I wasn't dreaming."
The yardstick hits the left,
which drops the pen
--then awkwardly positioned in untrained fingers.

Messy writing is more mind elsewhere,
running random strings of memories, hopes, dreams
for smooth-stream-sailing in a moat to your next being.

His Dunce cap has grown so fully with age it's became a teepee under which he gets shelter.
Careful.
He has mastered feats of balance, as he tips the stool from side to side in moments of drowsiness.

His hands react to visions that others cannot see,
and in the presence of the ecstatic realization
he sacrifices himself to its model in the physical
by lighting bonfires and dancing with their creations.




Change of format/some descriptions




He strove to never break:
saying
"I wish I wasn't dreaming."

A yardstick smacks the left-hand.
The pen drops,
picked up by a bony hand
and placed in awkward fingers.
Messy writing
more-mind-elsewhere,
running-random-strings
of memories-hopes-dreams
smooth-stream-sailing
in the safety of a moat to your next being.
The Dunce Cap praise
inflated it into a teepee
from which he gets shelter.

Feats of balance mastered
from Great Saves,
awakening
in the danger of falling
off the stool:
tipping to one side
in moments of drowsiness.

His hands react to visions that others cannot see,
and in the presence of the ecstatic realization
he sacrifices himself to its model in the physical
by lighting bonfires and dancing with their creations.

Last edited by Matthatter : 09-30-2007 at 12:47 PM.
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Old 09-30-2007, 07:41 AM   #2
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I understand the format Matt, but it doesn't do it for me. The last stanza is strong, and I love the closing line. I'd keep this as a piece. But use what you have here and try to make it more poetic by changing the layout. 'He has mastered feats of balence'- strong line!
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Old 09-30-2007, 12:25 PM   #3
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SteMcGrath,

thanks for the comment. By not liking the layout too much I assume you mean the length of some of the lines? Do you think it would read better if was broken into short lines? That's what I think you mean, but it may be wrong. The writing a little too prosey?

I actually kind of like I made it, but I would also like to try altering it to give it a more poemsy feel.

Added new version in first post.

Last edited by Matthatter : 09-30-2007 at 12:43 PM.
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Old 09-30-2007, 12:31 PM   #4
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This is approaching flash fiction, but the style is moderately poetic - I would consider this prose poetry, if I had to. But I don't. I'm not sure I enjoyed it though. Because of the line length and almost randomness...it is approaching random but it's still almost cohesive...I do think the last stanza is best though, most definitely.
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Old 09-30-2007, 12:45 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Matthatter View Post
in moments of drowiness. (Drowsiness, if I'm correct.)

His hands react to visions that others cannot see,
and in the presence of the ecstatic realization (Reads a little long?)
he sacrifices himself to its model in the physical (Removing this would help)
by lighting bonfires and dancing with their creations. (Nice end image)
I like the second version more. It is more open to interpretation than confusion.
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Old 09-30-2007, 02:03 PM   #6
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What do I read? It hurts my eyes.
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