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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
09-28-2007, 11:55 PM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 14
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Moving on
Golden locket, tangled chain,
Given in love, hidden in pain.
Remnant of her broken heart,
and he whose life she'd been a part.
Each tiny knot, each wondered why,
steady hands now do untie,
And on its clasp a price is set,
The oddment yours for 50 cents.
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"Writing is the trail behind a leaky mind" - Unknown
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09-29-2007, 07:48 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,914
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Good poem.
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09-29-2007, 08:50 AM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Krissi
Given in love, hidden in pain.
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The embolden sounds are too similar/too close. Other than that I really liked this one, for how simple it was yet not cliche.
On second thought, I might be completely wrong. IMO. Just a thought.
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
Last edited by Eiji Tunsinagi : 09-29-2007 at 09:29 AM.
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09-29-2007, 09:45 AM
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#4
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
The embolden sounds are too similar/too close.
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I actually quite like that. It works for me. Maybe it's just preference. Enjoyed this poem.
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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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09-29-2007, 01:59 PM
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#5
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Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 14
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I struggled with the second line - it seems a little clunky - but left as is because I just couldn't find a better way to say it. Thanks for the comments!
__________________
"Writing is the trail behind a leaky mind" - Unknown
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09-30-2007, 04:08 AM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Scotland
Gender: Male
Posts: 250
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What about "Given love, hidden pain" for your second line? Very good poem you have there though!
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10-01-2007, 12:45 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,694
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Simple but nice image with the locket, so it's fifty cents you say?  
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"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-01-2007, 12:46 PM
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#8
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: New York
Gender: Female
Posts: 279
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It's refreshing to read poems that are simple and clean that actually work.
Quote:
And on its clasp a price is set,
The oddment yours for 50 cents.
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This made the piece for me. Good job. |
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