Amadeus

Oh, she says,
this is your child.
Yes,
yes this is her, her hands
so mild
and strong.
Strong is the grip upon my hand.
I think there are laughing eyes,
laughing about a joke
We don't understand.

And yes, my child clings to my breast
Yes, she calls in the night.
She'll not be taken, not
Like the rest.

Um, the night is cold
I can't get comfortable
Tonight, tonight
I wish I understood
Why I woke but she did not
Curse and cry
the what
That took her
blast this anecdote.

Baron

Great potential but not enough information and some awkward lines. I don't understand the reason for the last line and it detracts from the rest.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

WOE. This started out OK but then it got better but then it got really bad. What was with the um at the start of stanza 3? You've got to take that out. I don't know what it's supposed to do - and I can't even guess - and it doesn't work for me. And the rest of stanza 3 -- it doesn't seem like confusion or sadness in the sense of the poem...if that's what you wanted...it just seems as though you had no idea how to end the piece, IMO.

I'm only really mad because that 3rd stanza threw off this entire piece, which has potential.

Aside from that, on a good note, stanza 2 is perfectly fine.

And regarding the 1st stanza -- I think there are laughing eyes, -- this just didn't read right.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Amadeus

Good to see that 'um' has the effect I hoped for!

Eiji Tunsinagi

I think I know what the effect of um was supposed to be -- and I don't think it would fit the rest of this piece. Um is too informal and doesn't fit this flow.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Amadeus

Thanks, but 'um' is that sharp pebble you step on when you've been walking on a sandy beach!

Eiji Tunsinagi

Indeed it is.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Amadeus

Thank you, damn this anecdote!

Baron

This is the second time that you've posted a poem and blatantly put down any attempt at serious critique. Taking a superior "well I knew what I was doing" attitude to fob off suggestions that might improve the work is never going to turn a bad poem into a good one.

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Amadeus

I'm not blatantly putting down anything, Baron. I'm just defending my corner. I appreciate all comments, of course I do. But I wouldn't have written these things that I have unless it was all intended. I cite "um" as an example. But if you're going to be nasty, then I can't help but notice you had nothing to say about my suggestion regarding your own work. I'm not sure I see the need for spikiness! You're inferring my supposed feeling of
superiority, based upon my useless conviction.

Baron

Don't honestly intend to take a nasty attitude. Most of the people who post here regard it as a workshop and can take and give critiques. Of course no suggestions have to be taken up but I do not consider myself that good that if someone offers a suggestion that will improve my work then I won't take it. In regard to your own suggestion regarding one of my poems, it was a good suggestion but to adopt it would have meant changing the style and losing some of the meaning of the poem.

The reality is that there is no point in taking time to offer a critique of someone's work, in an honest attempt to help to make it better, if it is simply going to be rejected out of hand.

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Amadeus

I do not reject nuthin "out of hand", but to my mind - call me crazy - I made something out of yer wonderful words, yet you did not acknowledge that. therefore, ya think - well?

Baron

Wonderful words in your mind. The trick is to write them so that others think they're wonderful too. The question is, do you want to write for yourself or do you want to write so that others appreciate what you do? My own work is of no valie if I'm the only one who thinks it worth reading.

You're work shows great potential but it will only become as good to others as you think it is if you're open to learn.

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Amadeus

You talk sweet, Baron, and I do appreciate every word you say. I hope to God we shan't be enemies, and I'll pay attention to what you write.

SteMcGrath

A good piece of work (stanzas 1 and 2). But what happened at the last stanza? I'd re-write that if I were you. This could then be a strong piece.

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."