My Life As A Tree - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 09-27-2007, 02:54 PM

My Life As A Tree

A seed full of hope
A baby-green sprout
A sapling adolescence
Branching to puberty

An oak tree for a husband
Crunchy acorn kids
A forest of relations
Moonlight like a lullaby

Sun, a woodland god
Night, a time of circket songs
Winter, end of motherhood
Spring, a pregnant birth

As my last years come upon me
My crown turned autumn brown
My bark, scarred lightning smile lines
Await axe-blade execution

Azmakna · 09-27-2007, 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

My Life As A Tree

ife of a Tree
A seed full of hope
A baby-green sprout
A sapling adolescence
Branching to puberty

An oak tree for a husband
Crunchy acorn kids
A forest of relations
And moonlight like a lullaby

i would lose 'and' it's good practice to have the powerful words at the start and end of a line (i fail at this most times myself, but i do try)

Sun, a woodland god
Night, a time of sorrow
Winter end of motherhood
Spring, a pregnant birth

'pregnant birth' is that a quiet birth or is this meant to be literal? birth can only come from pregnancy so if it's literal i would definitely pick a different word here.

As my last years come upon me
My crown turned autumn brown
My bark, scarred lightning smile lines
An axe-blade execution

this should be a lot longer. i feel the last stanza's journey is too flippant: smile to death. was it your intention to have the lines growing longer towards the end of the poem, because if you could work on that and centre it, it would look like a tree

Amadeus · 09-27-2007, 03:21 PM

Very nice, if a little severe at the end. All the right words are there, suggest you work them a little more; ie, My years last come upon me,
My crown turns Autumn brown,
My bark scarred,
Lightning, smile, lined,
An axe-blade to execute.
Something like that?

SteMcGrath · 09-27-2007, 04:10 PM

To me this is a masterpiece. The metaphors are fantastic, and I love the birth. The last stanza really does this piece justice. You'll really exspressed our relationship with nature well.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 09-27-2007, 04:29 PM

I thought this was great. With a few edits you have yrself an exceptional piece!

Ilasir Maroa · 09-27-2007, 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

this should be a lot longer. i feel the last stanza's journey is too flippant: smile to death. was it your intention to have the lines growing longer towards the end of the poem, because if you could work on that and centre it, it would look like a tree

Well, as for the length, I was trying to give an implicit sense of how long each phase lasts, in trees and in humans. There's a much longer middle section than beginning and end.

I'm not reworking the last verse becuase it would break the format and because I think it works. Wrinkly bark=wrinkles from repeated facial expressions, lightning scarred for the deep wrinkles.

I also don't see it as flippant. The smile is not for death, but from a happy life.

Got rid of the and, for "pregnant," I meant a time of birth and also the other meaning of "pregnant" as in "pregnant pause," "full." the lines at the end got longer because the time in those phases tends to be longer, and also because there's often more depth of thought as more experience is gained over a lifetime. I rarely write concrete poems, so I wasn't intending those longer lines to be roots, or some other visual reference.

Thanks all for the comments.

Baron · 09-29-2007, 09:44 PM

Just discovered this little gem Contains lots of ideas that could be developed further.

Ilasir Maroa · 09-29-2007, 09:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Just discovered this little gem Contains lots of ideas that could be developed further.

Oh crap, further development. Failed that one around puberty, lol(jk).

Eiji Tunsinagi · 09-29-2007, 09:55 PM

Reread this one... That last stanza is phenomenal.