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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
09-26-2007, 01:57 PM
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#1
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Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Bombay
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
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Freakshow
You look up at that flag
Your heart brimming with patriotism
You could've been born elsewhere
Dancing to a different rhetoric,
Revelling in another anthem.
You're happy with your life
Insurance paid for that vacation
You could've been there around 1929
And have massacred your way,
Through the Great Depression.
You love your parents
And they love you back
Your siblings aren't that bad
You could've been an orphan,
You know.
She's the love of your life
You can't imagine away
The very thought makes you cry
You could've missed that bus,
And never have seen each other.
All life's a freakshow
Could've turned out so different
Death - now THAT, is certain.
How do you manage to live,
When you know .... it's coming?
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09-26-2007, 02:01 PM
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#2
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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There's is some good qualities to this piece. But the fourth stanza loses it- it's slightly pathetic sounding. Work on the fourth stanza.
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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09-26-2007, 02:09 PM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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The end of stanza 3 doesn't work for me. And I agree regarding stanza 4. And 1 or 2 spots have a little rhyme issues with the length. I like the message though, particularly the 1st stanza.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-29-2007, 10:50 PM
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#4
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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I don't have a problem with the fourth stanza. This idea is nothing new but I like the way that this is put across.
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09-29-2007, 10:56 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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It's okay, no strong feelings towards dislike from me.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
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10-02-2007, 12:39 PM
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#6
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Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Bombay
Gender: Male
Posts: 19
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the 3rd and 4th stanza didn't go down well with me as well when I wrote it. Touched it up a little ...
You look up at that flag
Your heart brimming with patriotism
You could've been born elsewhere
Dancing to a different rhetoric,
Revelling in another anthem.
You're happy with your life
Insurance paid for that vacation
You could've been there around 1929
And have massacred your way,
Through the Great Depression.
You love your parents
And they love you back
You could've been an orphan,
Knocking on doors at Thanksgiving;
Felt up by paedophiles otherwise.
She's the love of your life
You can't imagine away
The very thought makes you cry
You could've missed that bus,
And picked up amorous flesh the rest of your life.
All life's a freakshow
Could've turned out so different
Death - now THAT, is certain.
How do you manage to live,
When you know .... it's coming?
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