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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
09-26-2007, 10:25 AM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Choosing Locks
Response.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
Last edited by Eiji Tunsinagi : 09-28-2007 at 12:19 PM.
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09-26-2007, 11:34 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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This one needs a little pruning, in particular the fifth stanza
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09-26-2007, 11:56 AM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I tried cutting it a little just now -- it was hard. Thanks Baron.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-26-2007, 12:40 PM
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#4
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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I loved this piece. Especially the twist and the last stanza really did it for me! I felt a connection with this. But I agree with Baron, the fifth stanza is a little bit messy.
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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09-26-2007, 12:47 PM
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#5
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SteMcGrath
I loved this piece. Especially the twist and the last stanza really did it for me! I felt a connection with this. But I agree with Baron, the fifth stanza is a little bit messy.
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Thanks McGrath. I have now completely destroyed that 5th stanza and put up two smaller stanzas instead, and edited a bit. Maybe that will help.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-26-2007, 01:09 PM
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#6
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 288
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Cool Piece, again what Baron said is right, 5th stanza doesnt flow quite right. Keep on it
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09-26-2007, 01:50 PM
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#7
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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The 5th stanza is still really that bad?
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-26-2007, 01:51 PM
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#8
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
Thanks McGrath. I have now completely destroyed that 5th stanza and put up two smaller stanzas instead, and edited a bit. Maybe that will help.
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It's much better. Congrats!
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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09-26-2007, 01:55 PM
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#9
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Vielen dank!
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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