g-paw

Broken

It's a broken off piece of wing
on the ground before me.
It won't fly or ever grow back.
It reminds me that I'm sad.

Grounded as I am in life,
a prisoner of my reality,
I cannot fly, I can not fly,
to escape my trajedy.

Blue sky, green blooms abound,
Colors of warmth and light,
yet I seek and have found
the colors of darkest night.



I'm having laptop problems today, the video goes bad randomly. Hmmm, working on that. Anyway, I wanted to submit this for your perusal while I had the opportunity.

Eiji Tunsinagi

I don't care for the 2nd stanza in the least. The 1st stanza is fantastic, and the 3rd stanza is better than the 2nd (but not as good as the 1st).

The 2nd stanza was too straightforward...a little cliche. Tell me in images, not figures of speech.

Using colors in stanza 3 was a little annoying -- and also the fact that colors is a very vague term that I think could be replaced by something much more vivid.

Of all the stanzas not to bother in a rewrite, I'd say it's the 1st. The 1st stanza was very nice.

Hope I helped.

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apple

I absolutly love the first stanza. Just beautiful. It doesn't rhyme. (which I like) The others do. I think I agree with Eiji on the second stanza. The emotional impact of the first verse is lost here, although I like "I cannot fly. I cannot fly." Being a prisoner of something or other is becoming rather cliched. Say it in another way. Last stanza...are you actually "seeking" dark, lightlessness?

SteMcGrath

I think the first line... could make for a more fluent start, 'A broken piece of wing lies on the ground before me'. The second stanza deflated a lot like Eiji said. Good start but room to improve.

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Ilasir Maroa

I'll agree the first stanza was the best, but not that I loved it. The second stanza was not as bad as Eiji says(IMO). I really didn't feel the last stanza. I think it's the worst.

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g-paw

I appreciate all the comments. Unfortunately, I'm on a different laptop tonight and so no more editing. Just typing this reply is a chore. (The cursor likes to move around while typing)

apple, you didn't see the rhyme in the first stanza?
wing - me / back - sad
It isn't perfect rhyme, but when spoken can be made to sound rhyming.

I also think the 2nd stanza could use more work. I'm attempting to relate my own situation (at the time) to the first stanza, the broken wing. My life was broken.

I had the same issues with stanza #3, it was an easy exit, if not graceful. I'll look this over in my journal later. And with any luck tomorrow I can actually participate again.