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Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc.

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Old 09-25-2007, 02:21 AM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: australia
Posts: 4,493
dannyboy is an unknown quantity at this point
An early morning Magritte (edit 1)

An early morning Magritte

A towel threatens to slip
from my thickened waist
in the early spring light
fractured by the bathroom window.

I drip water upon cold tiles

Mary, dressed in a black skirt,
purple tights, red t-shirt, stands
before me, excited –
as children are atomically
with sun’s return.

I brush her wavy hair,
a few tints of sunshine
trapped in the brown, shiny as eels
beneath the water, remind me
my hair used to catch the sunshine.

While I tell her about my hair
that was long like hers, the same colour also,
she looks at me as I look at her
in the mirror - our blue eyes sparkle.

I tell her once my hair
was so long a director likened me to Farrah;
she demanded it shorn for my part
in Waiting for Godot.

Mary listens, I brush.
We stand, she before me
before the mirror. I remember
my own hair, recall
the Magritte painting that once hung
above my bed – the back
of the head of a man
who stands before a mirror
that reflects
the back of his head.
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Old 09-25-2007, 07:57 AM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 502
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I preferred it so much more when it said my daughter. It can be very misleading with the suggestion of tights etc. I know you say how children are atomically excited after, but it sounds sort of metaphorical. I love this poem.

The last stanza when you say 'the back of his head' and 'back of the head'. Sounds to repetitive and flat. The last line yesterday was the only bit I was unsure of. But I preferred it.
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