Fell - Writers Forum

Roma87 · 09-24-2007, 09:27 PM

My first post. I'm so excited.

I let my guard down far to soon to help
Lost my heaven found my hell
Will I find the door the door back home
Back to the love to the happiness

Funny how material things help you little
When you have no one to share them with
Funny how easily one can slip into
The darkest void with no notice

Even funnier how one can stay there
Forever with no interruptions
The falling hurts the landing
Hurts worse hello bottom

Here I stay with my army
Of lonely knights no shining armor
Will there be a rope? A savior in my future?
Someone to help me? Or shall I be doomed?

SteMcGrath · 09-25-2007, 04:43 PM

The first thing I suggest you do is condense the stanzas. E.g. 'Funny how easily one can slip'- one line, 'into the darkest void without notice'- line two. Then connect two stanzas into one. I don't like the last stanza, it's a bit self-pitying and pathetic. But I think you have potential to grow quickly. So revise this one, read some poetry on the forum (or wherever) and post some more.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 09-25-2007, 04:48 PM

This does have potential and a little style. But needs some editing work - thinks line S1 and S2 both using hell uncomfortably close. That sounded strange. Stuff like that.

Ilasir Maroa · 09-25-2007, 07:34 PM

Condense the stanzas. On the subject, a little pessimistic and pathetic. Make your own ladder, you bum!(j/k)

Roma87 · 09-25-2007, 08:21 PM

The point of the short stanza was to create an image of falling. But I can see why it sounds better. And I can't think of a way to change the last stanza without losing the meaning of the piece.

Ilasir Maroa · 09-25-2007, 08:32 PM

I was mostly joking... pessimism can be a great topic, becuase it's real

i often go for visual images like you just mentioned. Unfortunately, I didn't get falling from your short stanzas, sorry. But do try some more of that, I like it.