Winter Silence - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 09-24-2007, 06:39 PM

Winter

Muted grey water flows in torrents, under wolfen clouds
No creature calls heard these silent nights, a chill peace
Snow falls softly in the whispering wind, like static motes
Quiet blankets the smooth-rolling hills, airy cotton folds

The Moon lights empty, lifeless plains, ivory reaches
White blankets broken not even by waving grass
A dull shine, smooth and cold; a sculpted marble landscape
Nothing moves, marring the flawless stone, to shatter the stillness

"Hello! Is anyone there?" Rough-carved drifts stand mute.
Only ice answers me back, with my own voice: "Hello!" it calls,
"Is anyone there?" Even mountain peaks echo not so softly;
I let the flurry of ground stone flakes drown out my answer.

The chill breezes whistle across frozen lakes
The mirrored surfaces of flawless silver-backed glass
Soon the morning sun shall rise, burn away the tarnish
Blinding dawn, bringing silent winter days

I think this needs some revision, but I'm hoping for suggestions to get me going.

Baron · 09-24-2007, 06:55 PM

The first line of the first stanza is a little corny, to quote one of your own favourite technical terms. How about shifting the last line of that stanza to the top? "No sounds heard these silent nights" - If they're silent nights then the sounds wouldn't be heard would they?

Eiji Tunsinagi · 09-24-2007, 07:05 PM

I enjoyed the view, but this traced the line too close between poetry and prose, for me. Some lines contained more than one solid subject - which I consider approaching prose-like elements. I think....Anyway, I liked the view. And second Baron on the bit regarding the first line.

g-paw · 09-24-2007, 07:10 PM

Ack, you're editing as I'm typing.

I'll reserve comments for a while longer.

Ilasir Maroa · 09-24-2007, 07:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

The first line of the first stanza is a little corny, to quote one of your own favourite technical terms. How about shifting the last line of that stanza to the top? "No sounds heard these silent nights" - If they're silent nights then the sounds wouldn't be heard would they?

I was editing as you posted, sorry; I had hoped I could be done before there were any replies.

"corny, to quote one of your own favourite technical terms"

lol... cute baron, real cute.

Ilasir Maroa · 09-24-2007, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

I enjoyed the view, but this traced the line too close between poetry and prose, for me. Some lines contained more than one solid subject - which I consider approaching prose-like elements. I think....Anyway, I liked the view. And second Baron on the bit regarding the first line.

I'll work on that first line, but keep in mind Baron was refering to the unedited version, only finished after his post.

Which ones had more than one subject? I'd like to take a look at them.

I was going for a little prosy, but not too much, I think the poetic parts still peek through the wolfen clouds.

Baron · 09-24-2007, 07:26 PM

I still don't like the "no sounds heard" in the same line as silent, it borders on repetition. Edit is good, although the silent thing is contradicted in the third stanza.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 09-24-2007, 07:27 PM

I cant find any lines with +1 subject anymore. Maybe I was just seeing things.

apple · 09-24-2007, 08:24 PM

Ilasar, I think this poem is beautiful. Just change the title and there would be no problem. You have a torrent of gray water(which makes sound) a "whispering" wind, a flurry of groundstone flakes to drown out answer, and the whistling breezes. This poem is fantastic, visual. I can feel the icy, cold.

Edgewise · 09-24-2007, 09:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Winter Silence

Muted grey water flows in torrents, under wolfen clouds
No sounds heard these silent nights, a chill peace These lines alone sum up winter in my mind.
Snow falls softly in the whispering wind, like static motes
Quiet blankets the smooth-rolling hills, airy cotton folds good rhythm you have going.

The Moon lights empty, lifeless plains, ivory reaches
White blankets broken not even by waving grass
A dull shine, smooth and cold; a sculpted marble landscape
Nothing moves, chiseling a path, to shatter the stillness This is somewhat hard to get the mind around. Pehaps you could reword?

"Hello! Is anyone there?" Rough-carved drifts stand mute.
Only ice answers me back, with my own voice: "Hello!" it calls,
"Is anyone there?" Even mountain peaks echo not so softly;
I let the flurry of ground stone flakes drown out my answer. Greatl ines.

The chill breezes whistle acorss frozen lakes Across. Not acorss.
The mirrored surfaces of flawless silver-backed glass
Soon the morning sun shall rise, burn away the tarnish
Blinding dawn, bringing silent winter days Poignant finish.

I think this needs some revision, but I'm hoping for suggestions to get me going.

This is most definitely one of the best poems I have seen here Ilasir. You captured my own personal feelings about winter far better than I am able to articulate. The sights, the sounds, and most importantly (and difficult), the FEELING associated with the season...great work.

Ilasir Maroa · 09-24-2007, 09:38 PM

Looking back at the original version, which I just dug out of some dusty norebooks yesterday, it was reasonable not expect such a positive response. But it seems my recent edit has elevated this piece to one of my best so far (judging by the replies here). I hope my fututre poems can live up to this high standard. Thanks to everyone for their suggestions and thoughts, especially (sorry for singling people out) Edgewise(who I rarely get responses from, making this one all the more gratifying) and Baron, who has managed to reply to almost all my posts here. Hopefully, g-paw will come back as he promised and echo these warm sentiments.

All right, done with the poetry award acceptance speech (lol, wonder where all that came from).

Edgewise · 09-24-2007, 09:49 PM

Deleted.

Ilasir Maroa · 09-24-2007, 09:54 PM

lol...