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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
09-24-2007, 06:22 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,996
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Knifed on the L
oui.
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
Last edited by Eiji Tunsinagi : 09-28-2007 at 09:26 AM.
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09-24-2007, 06:25 PM
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#2
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
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Posts: 3,634
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a little violent there... how many have you posted today, btw?
back to the poem, it has some good imagery, but the words were a little
used-feeling...
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My hopeful book:
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"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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09-24-2007, 06:34 PM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,875
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Okay right up to the last line. Tears, blood, etc. Doesn't do it.
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09-24-2007, 07:02 PM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
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Ilasir, I've only posted this one now and one many hours ago. Hope that's not too much in your book. And what do you mean by used? Cliche-like?
Thanks Baron -- the last line came to me in fun, so I don't think I'll keep it. Oh well. Danke.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-24-2007, 07:07 PM
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#5
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
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Well, people keep telling me one a day... but no, I think two is a good number for you.
The other thing: doesn't matter, you use the words in a good way, never mind, sorry.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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09-24-2007, 07:11 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,996
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa
Well, people keep telling me one a day... but no, I think two is a good number for you.
The other thing: doesn't matter, you use the words in a good way, never mind, sorry.
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I guess I understand  . Did you think the last line was reasonable?
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-24-2007, 07:13 PM
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#7
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
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I liked the humor. 
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
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09-24-2007, 07:17 PM
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#8
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Best Seller
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 501
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I like the poem. I just don't like the etc. Maybe mention the reflection of the attacker.
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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
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09-24-2007, 07:32 PM
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#9
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
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I considered someone else's reflection, but I wanted it to be more about some raw emotion. And a little humor. Which is why I wanted to keep etc. I guess.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-25-2007, 09:02 AM
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#10
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
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What are you doing naked on the train ET?  This must be the one that you were inspired to write after reading the Tiger and the Snake.
Quote:
soft as cutting a piece of cheesecake
before the heart attack.
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This line was good. Giving the poem a public setting such as a train, and mentioning whispering was a good move I think, forces it to be inward, fighting not to show the emotion. Very good, better the more I analyze it.
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If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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09-25-2007, 11:28 AM
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#11
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vangoghsear
What are you doing naked on the train ET? This must be the one that you were inspired to write after reading the Tiger and the Snake.
This line was good. Giving the poem a public setting such as a train, and mentioning whispering was a good move I think, forces it to be inward, fighting not to show the emotion. Very good, better the more I analyze it. |
Yeah, it was the Tiger and Snake indeed. I'm complaining to myself about the length of this poem that's my only problem. No one else has cared, but it feels suspiciously short to me.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-25-2007, 11:44 AM
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#12
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,875
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi
Yeah, it was the Tiger and Snake indeed. I'm complaining to myself about the length of this poem that's my only problem. No one else has cared, but it feels suspiciously short to me.
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No point in making it any longer than it needs to be to say what you want to say. Its a poem. |
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09-25-2007, 11:48 AM
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#13
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
No point in making it any longer than it needs to be to say what you want to say. Its a poem.
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That's my biggest problem with poems. Not being sure if it's done. With novels and fiction pieces it's usually quite obvious...
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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-25-2007, 12:00 PM
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#14
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Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Gender: Female
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Interesting to see what my work inspired.
While I think I see the humour you're getting at in the 'etc.' I'm just not feeling the last line. I always have trouble finding the right way to end poems, or knowing if the thought process I've opened has had its logical end.
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"Writing is the trail behind a leaky mind" - Unknown
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09-25-2007, 12:04 PM
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#15
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,996
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Krissi
Interesting to see what my work inspired.
While I think I see the humour you're getting at in the 'etc.' I'm just not feeling the last line. I always have trouble finding the right way to end poems, or knowing if the thought process I've opened has had its logical end.
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In my own mind my excuse for it is trying to enforce immediacy - but I think I'm just enforcing a crappy last line...Oh well, I still like it and I can't think of a better last line so this is the one, for now.
When it comes to endings, I usually keep writing until I've found the point or expressed it adequately or until I get tired of reading the poem myself (that's usually a bad sign). 
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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