Krissi

Sleeping like a tiger,
coiled and waiting like snake,
unknowingly I trust you,
turn my back to hidden fangs,
innocent eyes overlooking,
deception bathed in trust.
In an instant you betray me,
your knife just above my back,
claws hanging in midair,
as I glance over my shoulder,
and smile at you, my friend.


Comments? Especially looking for punctuation feedback.

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"Writing is the trail behind a leaky mind" - Unknown

vangoghsear

Someone was naughty behind someone's back!

A tiny bit cliche, but still well described. Original use of some old ideas to describe deceit (snake, knife in the back).

Overall effect is nicely accusatory.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

g-paw

I think your punctuation is fine in this piece. Yes, you could drop a couple of commas, maybe. But I can see no real justification for doing that.

Other observations:

Snakes don't wait, they bask.

coiled, basking like the snake,


This is the only line that doesn't seem to fit the metaphors that were previously revealed. I understand the "knife in the back", but tigers and snakes don't use knives. You reveal that in your next line:

This is what I might consider at the betrayal.

In an instant you betray me,
claws hanging in midair,
poison dripping down my back,

Eiji Tunsinagi

I thought this was OK. But even BETTER, I got an idea for a poem from it. So thanks...I guess.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Krissi

Thanks for the feedback. I agree, the knife line just doesn't fit. I've amended with your suggestion Eiji.

Sleeping like a tiger,
coiled and waiting like snake,
unknowingly I trust you,
turn my back to hidden fangs,
innocent eyes overlooking,
deception bathed in trust.
In an instant you betray me,
claws hanging in midair,
poison dripping down my back,
as I glance over my shoulder,
and smile at you, my friend.

__________________
"Writing is the trail behind a leaky mind" - Unknown

Eiji Tunsinagi

It's much better. That's how it's done.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

vangoghsear

That little change made the whole poem a single cohesive image. Much stronger now, no longer cliche because we have to interpret the entire piece without the knife in the back clue. Combining characteristics of a tiger and a snake into this one individual is a nice touch.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.