Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
09-23-2007, 08:55 AM
|
#1
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,591
|
Secure from Freedom
Secure from Freedom
I can't, I can't,
You're scaring me!
Jump off a waterfall?
Survival you say? Freedom?
For what and why and how?
For starving sleepless nights?
Maybe "jail" is best
Warm food, warm bed,
Somehwere to be routine
A home of sorts
A place to rest
And think about tomorrow
Working on a set on this topic maybe, this is just sort of a trial run.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
Last edited by Ilasir Maroa : 09-23-2007 at 10:36 AM.
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 09:12 AM
|
#2
|
|
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: geordieland, UK
Gender: Female
Posts: 17
|
Liked it. Sometimes the prison of flush toilets, fridges (or rather the prison of he need to have such things) et al. just seems safer. This piece reminds me that it can be better to be cold, wet and dangerous than to be warm, dry and safe.
__________________
'Stop swishing private Nomo!'~Sargent 'X' 
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 09:14 AM
|
#3
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,850
|
Interesting but leaves me wanting more. You misspelt somewhere.
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 09:30 AM
|
#4
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Birmingham, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 497
|
I get the cynicism of orderly life. It could be lengthier though. Enjoyed it.
__________________
"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 10:36 AM
|
#5
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,591
|
Hopefully there is more coming Baron, in this poem or another one, or maybe both.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 05:40 PM
|
#6
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,591
|
Secure from Freedom
I can't, I can't,
You're scaring me!
Jump off a waterfall?
Are you crazy? Or suicidal?
They've had you on watch;
but I'm not that desperate!
Survival you say? Freedom?
For what and why and how?
For starving sleepless nights?
For freezing to death...
Right outside city hall?
For another mark on my record?
Maybe "jail" is best
Warm food, warm bed,
Somehwere to be routine
A home of sorts
A place to rest
And think about tomorrow
Protection for me(not from)
Give me Confinement or give me...
Death!
Edited; any better?
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
Last edited by Ilasir Maroa : 09-23-2007 at 05:55 PM.
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 05:46 PM
|
#7
|
|
Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,996
|
I like the new one.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 05:47 PM
|
#8
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,850
|
Better. Good poem.
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 05:49 PM
|
#9
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,591
|
Thanks  ... just out of curiousity, do you agree with, disagree with, or stradle the fence on the sentiment expressed here?
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 05:52 PM
|
#10
|
|
Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,850
|
I value my freedom, does that answer your question?
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 05:54 PM
|
#11
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,591
|
Lol, yeah... my opinion to... most of the time.
I was making a parody of "Give me Liberty or Give Me Death!" at the end. Did anybody get that?
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 06:53 PM
|
#12
|
|
Scribe
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: At the base of the Crystal Mountain range
Gender: Male
Posts: 97
|
Actually, the last stanza is my least favorite, because of the parody. I got it right away, and just didn't like it.
I do like the way you have offered two choices, one of certainty, and the other a (potentially) dangerous unknown.
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 06:58 PM
|
#13
|
|
Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,591
|
I'd like to point out to future readers that this poem is to be taken literally and metaphorically at the same time. It is about literal prison, but also about other types of "imprisonment."(ie, poverty, homelessness, childhood(and some happy ones too), etc).
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."
www.theoddvillepress.com
|
|
|
|
|
09-23-2007, 11:13 PM
|
#14
|
|
Addict
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: in a body
Gender: Private
Posts: 142
|
Please, IM, let the reader interprete it FREELY (just kidding:]).
Literally... Well, I'd say "anyhting but the bed, which above all must be COMFORTABLE -right now I'm suffering from a stiff neck because I haven't slept in my bed in two days.
Who's "you"?
Now, metaphorically speaking, it makes me think of some sort of adventure, but I still feel confined to this sole idea, can't see through the bars of my ignorance.
__________________
"All, all is theft, all is unceasing and rigorous competition in nature; the desire to make off with the substance of others is the foremost - the most legitimate - passion nature has bred into us and, without doubt, the most agreeable one."
Marquis de Sade
|
|
|
|
|
09-24-2007, 12:48 AM
|
#15
|
|
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Saskatchewan, Canada
Gender: Female
Posts: 14
|
The second version is much better. The idea is much more fleshed out and better expressed. I have to agree with g-paw though. For me, the last stanza, the parody, just doesn't work as well as the rest of the poem.
As for the sentiment, I'd like to say I prefer freedom...but some days safety is just so nice, comforting, and oh so easy.
__________________
"Writing is the trail behind a leaky mind" - Unknown
|
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:09 AM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
