dannyboy

Doesn't work for me (but then not much is at the moment) - its too vague on who the who is.

vangoghsear

Ilasir, you don't need the last stanza, otherwise, it's not bad. The poem has an interesting contrast between what we consider safe and what we consider dangerous the way you reversed them is good. The images however are not especially mood setting, they are a little concrete (you've said "freezing" and "starving" instead of describing them).

I'm being tough here because you are immensely talented and this is not up to your usual.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Ilasir Maroa

Secure from Freedom

I can't, I can't, you're scaring me!
Jump off a waterfall?
Escape from behind evil bars?

Are you crazy? Or suicidal?
They've had you on watch;
but I'm not that desperate!

Survival you say; freedom?
For what and why and how?
To be secure from a full stomach.

Safe on frosty morning benches;
Free from toasty space-heaters,
With another mark on my record.

Maybe "jail" is best;
Hot food, warm bed,
Somehwere to be routine.

A home of sorts,
A place to rest,
And think about tomorrow.

Protection for me(not from);
Give me Confinement or give me...
Death!


More editing, hopefully more concrete images; no I didn't get rid of the last part. But if you stop pestering me about it... I might.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

Baron

This is a good poem Ilasir. Apart from that last part (sorry) I'd call it done.

__________________

Eiji Tunsinagi

I don't know...I just can't get into this one...oh well. One in a million.

__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Ilasir Maroa

Well, since everyone keeps making comments implying they want a narrative type poem on this subject, I'm gonna try one for my next thread. But yeah, I think this one is done.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

winkash

Sorry, IM, but I'm quite far from understanding any literal or metaphorical sense in this one.

__________________
"All, all is theft, all is unceasing and rigorous competition in nature; the desire to make off with the substance of others is the foremost - the most legitimate - passion nature has bred into us and, without doubt, the most agreeable one."
Marquis de Sade

Ilasir Maroa

The whole poem is saying it's safer to be in jail than on the street with no prospects. No one likes the last part, but I think it captures the spirit of the poem. I've agreed to disagree with everyone. Do you have any comments about the rest of it?

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com