I wonder - Writers Forum

Richie.S · 09-22-2007, 05:39 PM

I wonder whether the moon’s sky is bright.
I wonder whether atoms are light.
I wonder whether trees feel pain.
And I wonder whether pig and human are same.

I wonder whether there’s an answer for all.
I wonder whether there’s an answer at all.
I wonder whether electrons hurt.
And I wonder whether nipples are pert.

I wonder whether there’s rhyme or reason.
I wonder whether earth still has seasons.
I wonder whether humanity’s kind.
And I wonder whether death is blind.

I wonder whether water’s truly wet.
I wonder whether there’s use in pets.
I wonder whether smoking’s bad.
And I wonder whether my daughter’s a lad.

I wonder what life’s about.
I wonder whether if I have some clout.
I wonder whether we’re all that brave.
And I wonder whether we’re our politician’s slave.

I wonder whether we have our say.
I wonder whether we’ve had our day.
I wonder whether the end is nigh.
And I wonder whether I’ll get by.

I wonder —
— who knows?

g-paw · 09-26-2007, 09:33 AM

"I wonder whether" appears too many times in this piece. While reading, I began to wonder whether I would reach the end. It makes me think of "Are we there yet?" over and over and over.

Looking it over again, I think you could begin each stanza with the phrase, instead of each line. Then each stanza can be crafted to focus on the wonderment.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 09-26-2007, 09:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by g-paw

"I wonder whether" appears too many times in this piece. While reading, I began to wonder whether I would reach the end. It makes me think of "Are we there yet?" over and over and over.

Looking it over again, I think you could begin each stanza with the phrase, instead of each line. Then each stanza can be crafted to focus on the wonderment.

Exactly. I reread it with "I wonder whether" being only at the start of the stanzas and it would be much better.

Baron · 09-26-2007, 10:32 AM

Find a way of writing this without all the repetition of "I wonder".

SteMcGrath · 09-26-2007, 12:07 PM

It just really does nothing for me. I think maybe there is something to write about here, but it's so general. And with those awkward sentence starts, I don't know what to suggest. Maybe think of a more concise way to say what it is you want to say.

Richie.S · 09-26-2007, 05:10 PM

Thanks for all the comments and I do understand about the repetition but this style is nothing new and yes it is wholly possible to rewrite the piece without the repeated beginnings to the sentences; however it is how it came to me, as I was wondering about stuff, contemplating things; so in this instance, this piece, will remain as is: a piece about the things I sometimes contemplate and wonder about.
It’s not clever, it’s not complex, but it is what it is; a form of legitimate poetry that is not unique.
And for those that it did nothing for - understand what you're saying, because the fact you have commented certainly means it did something!

Eiji Tunsinagi · 09-26-2007, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Richie.S

Thanks for all the comments and I do understand about the repetition but this style is nothing new and yes it is wholly possible to rewrite the piece without the repeated beginnings to the sentences; however it is how it came to me, as I was wondering about stuff, contemplating things; so in this instance, this piece, will remain as is: a piece about the things I sometimes contemplate and wonder about.
It’s not clever, it’s not complex, but it is what it is; a form of legitimate poetry that is not unique.
And for those that it did nothing for - understand what you're saying, because the fact you have commented certainly means it did something!

If you intend to keep this in your notebook, then by all means don't change a word of it. But when I give advice it is generally from the viewpoint of that the piece is being prepared for a submission somewhere. And in this case, if you are planning to submit this, my most honest opinion would be to edit out some of the repetition - so some editor somewhere doesn't have to do it for you or reject it.

Unless of course it's a publication that encourages the unedited. But those are rare. But they do exist. If you're interested.

Richie.S · 09-26-2007, 05:31 PM

Thanks for the advice Eiji Tunsinagi; I do take it to heart and listen. However, by no means, do I consider myself a poet in any sense. I aim to be an author of stories. No poems I post I consider submission worthy for any publication, I just like to test myself in areas of written work that I would not normally consider; plus I enjoy the brevity that writing poetry foists upon the writer who isn't willing to go down the saga route.
Writing poetry and having it critiqued assists me greatly in my endeavours to write stories.
In my story writing I know I'm lacking when it comes to generating atmosphere in a few short words; this is where poetry comes into its own. I know if I can achieve a well written poem (this one excluded) then I know I'm on the right path to enhance the stories I write.

Ilasir Maroa · 09-26-2007, 06:11 PM

All those "wonders" were a bit obnoxious, but what really got me was the "ifs" where they shouldn't have been. Some of the questions were inane, and some weren't but there were more of the former, so I can't say this did much for me. Sorry.

Richie.S · 10-20-2007, 07:22 PM

I'm not really sure what I should say Ilasir Maroa, I expect you would same similar things if it was Keats posting stuff (not in anyway do I compare my self to him)
The real question is (in this case); how do I re-phrase all those questions I thought in the way they were in my mind, in a way that is acceptable to others?
To be quite honest - it's a mystery to me.

Richie.S · 10-20-2007, 07:26 PM

I believe if this poem was read aloud with all its meaning, then the views of it in the written form may change.

huni · 10-20-2007, 09:03 PM

Like this:

Is the moon’s sky bright,
are atoms light.
Do trees feel pain.
And are pig and man the same.

Are there answers for all this-
any answer at all.
Do electrons hurt.
Are nipples pert.

Is there rhyme or reason.
for all earths seasons.
Humanity kind?
death blind?

I wonder - is water truly wet.
Is there use in pets.
Is smoking’s bad.
and is she a lad?

What life’s about?
Do I have some clout?
I wonder whether we’re all that brave.
And if we are our politician’s slave’s.

I wonder whether we have our say.
I wonder whether we’ve had our day.
I wonder whether the end is nigh.
And I wonder whether I’ll get by.

It’s still unresolved and you would need to add all those ? -
but you asked “how can I make it more acceptable to others?” By acceptable I gather you mean readable, more poetic. I would scrap it frankly but this is just a way to show you what your poem could look like, done with some form, rhythm, etc. I think you do make a good point about poetry competency and practice improving our general writing.
huni

cinder and smoke · 10-21-2007, 10:20 AM

I was bored by the original and huni's changes. Like you said Richie, it's not clever and that is why I don't particularly like it. In my opinion, there is no way to re-phrase any of it so it is more pleasing without completely starting over. What you have now is random and obtuse and I don't really like that. It just doesn't work for me. I do understand that this is sort of what went on through your head but it seems like you just wrote down whatever popped into your mind without thinking of how to create a poetic essence.

I think it's great that you are challenging yourself with other forms of writing. I'm not a great poet but I like to practice by writing poems as well. I love to read poetry though.

Richie.S · 10-23-2007, 05:54 PM

Thanks Huni for the rewrite, it has a staccato feeling to it now, which to me is interesting in itself.
And thanks to Cinder for your comments.
The problem with simplistic verse is that it is almost impossible to convey the differing ways in which each line can be read out loud, the level of bass or tenor, which words, even in just the phrase "I wonder whether" can be picked out for emphasis, how they are linked to other words in the phrases, even the rhythm, barring its basic tenet of flow - though it's not a song perhaps it's more lyrical than poetical.
I do understand all the comments made but just wish everyone could hear it as I hear it - not how it looks like it should be read.