Baron

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Eiji Tunsinagi

Hmm. I liked this. I don't know what I'd call it though.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

This is based on Medieval ballads. Thomas the Rhymer, known also as Thomas True or True Thomas, lived in Scotland in the 13th century and was said to be able to prophesy through verse.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

Interesting. So this is a prose.....poem? Or a rhyming short. IDK. I liked it though, it was a little long but the lilting rhyme made up for it and sped it along.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

Thanks for the comment but no, it isn't a prose poem.

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Ilasir Maroa

A very enjoyable style, and good in certain spots, but not your best effort. It was fun, but the rhythm was annoying and/or non-existant in some spots. So, to sum up... fun but not great.

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My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

Baron

Thanks for that. I'm still working on this one. As far as possible I'm trying to keep the medieval form but in nore modern language. I have just made a few more changes and am open to suggestions.

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The Backward OX

When you say “open to suggestions” does that give one carte blanche? Forgive me for answering for you in the affirmative but it saves time.

IM commented that the rhythm was either annoying or non-existent, a remark with which I agree.

The first problem for me was that because the accented syllable in the first word is the first syllable, it kind of threw me off balance for the rest of the line. I kept wanting to say tom-ASS, which is ridiculous.

I’ve taken a few rather extensive liberties - with one verse only. Deleted a word or two, changed some, moved phrases around, bunged in some more punctuation, and so on. And do springs ripple? Brooks do. I incline to the notion that springs gurgle or bubble.

I concede that in my attempt to create rhythm, that last word “finery” comes out as “fine-ary” which is nearly as bad as tom-ASS.

But it’s a start. Junk it, or use it to draw on for more ideas of your own.

“On grassy bank did Thomas lie, and listened. Skylarks sing.
He let his gaze roam o’er the vale, dreamed dreams that might yet be.
Sunlight danced - upon the leaves, across the gurgling spring,
when he espied a lady decked in royal finery.”


Cheers

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How Beautiful it is to Do Nothing, and then Rest Afterwards . . . . . Spanish proverb

Baron

Thanks for th input Ox. I have made a few changes, taking your ideas into consideration. I'm still working through this one.

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SteMcGrath

It reminded me hugely of a Hesse's Narziss and Goldmund. Do you ever find that when you keep editing your work, some of the honesty and quality come out of it?

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Baron

Are you saying that my poem is deteriorating? Some poems I think are best raw, they lose feeling when edited. Others need to be pruned. I think this one has benefited from having a little work put in.

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SteMcGrath

No No. I just wondered how you felt about it. I understand that we are here to help each other and improve our work. But I am pleasantly amazed to see how quickly some people edit each others work! I sometimes feel that the personality's can be lost. Maybe I need to understand poetry more. I really liked this piece.

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Baron

The idea of the forum, as I understand it, is work-shopping. If people make suggested changes there's always the choice to accept or reject them but it certainly doesn't hurt to get opinions.

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SteMcGrath

I agree. It usually improves my work.

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"He was over at our house struggling with a poem he could not finish, so I took him upstairs and gave him sex. He came down and finished that verse in twenty-five minutes."

Baron

This is one area where Az will be sorely missed so lets hope that he's not away from the forum for too long.

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