Thomas the Rhymer - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Baron · 09-25-2007, 09:49 AM

A few more edits have been done to this one.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 09-25-2007, 10:25 AM

I don't line some of the spots with the inverted word order...but that's just because I don't like inverted word order in general...I still like this piece. I like the fable-feel of it and the rhyme. Much enjoyed.

vangoghsear · 09-25-2007, 02:17 PM

Every time I tried to read this, I did not have enough time. I love the medieval feel. This would make a really cool Celtic lyric. Still no time to look in depth, but I like the direction of this.

Baron · 09-25-2007, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by vangoghsear

Every time I tried to read this, I did not have enough time. I love the medieval feel. This would make a really cool Celtic lyric. Still no time to look in depth, but I like the direction of this.

Well thanks Van, I hope that you manage to get back to it.

Azmakna · 09-26-2007, 03:19 PM

you know what, baron, i really like this (jesus i'm beginning to sound like a sycophant lol) this was done for fun... right? i'll tell you what though, you have something here. i would take this more seriously yourself and give it some care and attention. poems don't have to delve deep into our psyches, they can entertain, and this definitely achieves that. i will cut and paste this and go through it on word if that's ok by you.

Baron · 09-26-2007, 03:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

you know what, baron, i really like this (jesus i'm beginning to sound like a sycophant lol) this was done for fun... right? i'll tell you what though, you have something here. i would take this more seriously yourself and give it some care and attention. poems don't have to delve deep into our psyches, they can entertain, and this definitely achieves that. i will cut and paste this and go through it on word if that's ok by you.

You know that I don't knock suggestions Az. don't want to lose the ballad feel though, its important to the story line. The Thomas of the poem actually existed and a lot of folklore developed around him, there's a wealth of stuff that can be used to develope this. In Scotland he was on a par with Merlin, the difference being that there was an historuc Thomas True whereas the truth of Merlin is up for grabs.

Azmakna · 09-27-2007, 10:36 AM

okay, i struggled with some of this because i'm not aware of the story, but what i've tried to do is add a bit of flavour and a bit more flow. there is one stanza that i really struggled with... hope you didn't mind me doing this:

Quote:

On grassy bank, True Thomas lay and listened to the skylark sing,
His gaze roamed o’er hidden dale, dreaming things which might yet be.
Sunlight danced upon the leaves, waltzed across the bubbling spring,
when a lady he espied did smile, adorned in royal finery.

Bold and brisk, the lady came, approaching fast where Thomas lay,
her skirt of finest verdant silk, and softest velvet mantel flowed,
skipped upon the gentle breeze that asked her golden steed to play
music on bells strung from its mane, so tinkled as the lady rode.

Thomas True removed his hat and then went down upon one knee
as lady brought her frisky steed to halt beside the whispering spring.
“I hail you lady, Queen of Heaven, such beauty I have never seen.”
“Please say that not,” the lady begged, “you may call me no such thing.

“I’m but the Queen of fair elf-folk, living in the forest near,
come here to meet with you this day to seek what stories you can tell.
I have heard your good repute so now your tales I wish to hear.
Don't think that you can say me nay, for seven years with me you’ll dwell.”

Turning around her milk white mount, she then pulled Thomas up behind,
“For good or ill you’ll serve me now, whate'er the fates may bring to be.”
She spurred the horse and every time the bells upon the mane rang out
he surged ahead and onward sped, for forty nights and days ran he.

He saw neither sun nor moon, no single star to light the sky
still on he chased and all the while could hear the roaring of the sea
and feel the wind blow through his mane, fields and meadows floated by;
then reached a garden where he stopped in shadow of an apple tree.

“Please let me down, dear lady fair, so I can pick this fruit for thee.”
“Thomas no, you may not pluck the fruits of this noble land ,” she said,
“All the plagues that stem from hell come with the fruit upon this tree
but I have bread and fine red wine, we’ll rest and we will be well fed.”

Thomas sat and ate his fill, the lady said, “Upon my lap,
come lay your head, for you need rest before we must ascend the hill
beyond this garden, where fairies dwell, who’ll careless folk entrap,
though I will show you three fairies who are servants of my will.”

The Queen then pointed to the hill. “Beyond that mound there lie three roads;
the first is lined with thorns and briars, it is know as righteousness,
there are few who dare to walk that way, it seems that most resist the goad;
the second path, is lined with lilies, it is know as wickedness;

“the third road is our chosen way, unknown by many, known to some,
a bonny road that weaves between the fragrant ferns, to Elven land
and as long as you abide with me you’ll not be seen by anyone
Before the moon should rise tonight you shall see my palace grand.

“There, Thomas, you must hold your tongue or you'll be made to pay.
Many things you’ll hear and see but if you would see your own country
again then you will keep your peace, of these one may nought say.
Heed all I say and you’ll do well, for I will not abandon thee.”

Really struggled with this stanza, baron. The repeat of see and the unfortunate rhyme of ‘country’ stick out to me. The rhythm here and there seems out too.

For seven years in the time of men True Thomas was'nt seen
until with rhymes that portents told, a gift from that Queen fair,
and dressed in finest velvet suit and a cape of elfin green
he ventured out to speak his verse and prophesies would share.

Baron · 09-27-2007, 10:53 AM

Thanks for the input Az. I've been reworking this myself and may poet an edited version in a couple of days.

Amadeus · 09-29-2007, 07:45 AM

This horse, is it "golden" or "milk-white" or both?

Baron · 09-29-2007, 08:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amadeus

This horse, is it "golden" or "milk-white" or both?

Thanks for spotting that. I've made a correction to my imperfect piece.

Amadeus · 09-30-2007, 02:49 PM

I mean, I'm sorry, but this is a joke, right?

Baron · 09-30-2007, 09:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amadeus

I mean, I'm sorry, but this is a joke, right?

As it happens, it is a joke but the punchline is on another forum.

jpatricklemarr · 09-30-2007, 09:33 PM

Weighing in late with this one, but I really like it. Thanks for the background as well.

J

Baron · 10-01-2007, 06:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jpatricklemarr

Weighing in late with this one, but I really like it. Thanks for the background as well.

J

Thanks for the comment.

Pete_C · 10-01-2007, 06:31 AM

Might I humbly suggest that anyone who wants to get anything out of this poem (and the best I got out of it was hearty laughter, a pint of mead and a roasted hog sandwich) adopts a Medieval stance.

Read it aloud in an over-accented way, with a nasal jester's voice, while hopping theatrically from foot to foot and beating yourself soundly with an inflated pig's bladder. Then you will find that it works very well.