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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
09-10-2007, 02:12 PM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Pour me a valley
Pour me a valley.
Pour me a valley, Brother...
nothing, but savage squares and passages
prodded for gossip with yesterday's paper,
bruised by the beating,
of sticky-back letters,
stung by a keystroke,
a capital
'I'
Guzzle me in glorious ether,
suck my stone-cold face dry,
It's not the hate that blacks these eyes,
it's the gauging light
that locks my clock
and ticks me
'Off.'
Pour me a valley, Brother...
Smoke smothers me in free fall,
smoothing these razored eyes.
Weightless thoughts,
dust from a schoolbook,
whipped by the greedy hands and toffs --
wish for a well tossed coin
Fate, accidental truth of luck,
crept by my bedroom door unchecked,
buried beneath the chaos of catalogue toys.
Eyes turned plastic.
Just another nip to see me on my way,
mold the perfect 'Villain', hood and all
Pour me a valley, Brother...
------------------------------------------
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
Last edited by Azmakna : 09-16-2007 at 04:09 PM.
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09-10-2007, 02:18 PM
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#2
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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I know this is probably a terrible thing to ask, but - What is this about? I know it's there and I can't catch it.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-10-2007, 02:19 PM
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#3
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azmakna
this isn't finished, it's just an idea at the moment
Pour me a valley brother,
nothing to see but mean squares,
poked with yesterday's paper,
slapping this aboriginal face... for free?
Pour me a valley brother,
hood shrunk, my view,
a crumpled shifting blur of light,
seen through sharpness of limitation,
gripping my gut, plying my fingers
with promise of stature,
eating me like headlines.
Pour me a valley brother...
then just leave the bottle on the bar.
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I've tinkered  |
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09-10-2007, 02:24 PM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
I've tinkered |
might consider that when i have more written 
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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09-10-2007, 02:50 PM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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This is going well.
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09-10-2007, 02:54 PM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
This is going well.
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do you reckon i should clarify or stand by it as it is? which direction do you think i should go when i edit it?
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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09-10-2007, 03:43 PM
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#7
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,990
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A little more clarity might not be a bad idea Az
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09-10-2007, 03:44 PM
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#8
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
A little more clarity might not be a bad idea Az
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i think that is what the poem is asking from me. if you look at the last stanzas they are less oblique
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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09-10-2007, 04:11 PM
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#9
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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This is interesting when read fast. It flows yet wobbles and tilts like a drunk. I think it's good.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.  
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09-11-2007, 02:31 AM
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#10
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Addict
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 158
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I like its wobble...
I don't think any clarity is needed. The work should stand on its own. I'm a big proponent of letting the work speak different things to different people.
J
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09-11-2007, 02:38 AM
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#11
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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well, I always think a poem is more effective if the reader can see the obvious point, but the "wobbly" tone was nice. I really liked the refrain, and the imagery was nicely done here. Despite my liking of laying down the line on what needs to be considered for change, I really couldn't find anything to gripe about as far as what you have written. Rather annoying really... who wants to read a perfect poem?
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
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09-11-2007, 08:11 AM
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#12
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,241
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Quote:
stung by a keystroke,
a capital 'I'
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Interesting.
__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.
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09-11-2007, 09:43 AM
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#13
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Addict
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 105
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azmakna
Pour me a valley, Brother...
guzzle me in glorious ether,
suck my stone-cold face dry,
It's not the hate that blacks these eyes,
it's the gauging light
that locks my clock.
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I liked this stanza the best and this made for a very interesting and thoughtful read. But, try as I might, I am not able to grasp this fully  |
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09-11-2007, 09:47 AM
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#14
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thevortex
I liked this stanza the best and this made for a very interesting and thoughtful read. But, try as I might, I am not able to grasp this fully |
Same here. I like this but really, I just don't follow. Maybe I'm too simple-minded or I sit too close to the screen or something.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
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09-11-2007, 12:51 PM
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#15
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Adept Writer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Goomalling, Western Australia
Gender: Male
Posts: 932
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I know a couple (my ex, and a great friend) who formed a duo
called General Tundish, and recorded an album - Crimea River ...
now, what made me think of that?  
I love your phrasing, and your sense of imagery, Azmakna ...
I think I'll just sit back on my barstool,
and watch this one evolve for a while ...
__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
Last edited by Cran : 09-11-2007 at 12:53 PM.
Reason: added a word ...
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