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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
09-09-2007, 11:02 AM
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#1
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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promise
Nothing...
though once
the empty pit
is ground aside,
The blue globe looms
like a summer rise
in negative,
open,
expansive,
no claws, no teeth--
just endless silk to soothe my slow descent.
An ocean, free of rage,
laps about my shiny shoes,
tugging... urging:
I know i can swim
why fear the water?
Hands, a chasm wide, shove
the stopped clock
to see seconds
slip away
unseen.
The waves whisper in my ear,
expecting immersion,
the final
touch.
I know,
sweet, not salty,
the taste of breathing.
Clear, not bleary,
the vision,
the promise...
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
Last edited by Azmakna : 09-10-2007 at 03:31 PM.
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09-09-2007, 11:23 AM
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#2
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,992
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'i know i can swim
why fear the water?'
Capital "I".
I get a few differing impressions from this. There are some nice images and sensations expressed. I get the impression that this is not finished. There's a vagueness about the opening.
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09-09-2007, 11:26 AM
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#3
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
'i know i can swim
why fear the water?'
Capital "I".
I get a few differing impressions from this. There are some nice images and sensations expressed. I get the impression that this is not finished. There's a vagueness about the opening.
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i think the imagery is too close together. what do you think? capital 'I' done lol
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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09-09-2007, 11:30 AM
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#4
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azmakna
Nothing...
but once
the empty pit
is pushed aside,
The blue ball looms
like a summer rise
in negative,
open,
no claws, no teeth--
just endless silk to soothe my descent.
An ocean, free of rage,
laps about my shiny shoes,
tugging, urging:
'I know i can swim
why fear the water?'
Hands, a chasm wide, shove
the stopped clock
to see seconds
slip away
unseen...
The waves whisper in my ear,
expecting immersion,
the final touch.
Though
sweet, not salty the taste
of breathing
clear, not bleary,
the vision
the promise...
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__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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09-09-2007, 11:37 AM
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#5
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,992
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Better. Pushed aside doesn't work with empty pit. Have you ever tried pushng an empty pit? Or a piece of string for that matter?  How about, "out of mind" or something similar? |
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09-09-2007, 11:47 AM
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#6
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baron
Better. Pushed aside doesn't work with empty pit. Have you ever tried pushng an empty pit? Or a piece of string for that matter? How about, "out of mind" or something similar? |
i quite like the contradiction of metaphors there. i take your point though, baron, you have to be careful to show you meant it.
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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09-09-2007, 12:08 PM
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#7
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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some minor changes
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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09-09-2007, 12:59 PM
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#8
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Wordsmith
Join Date: May 2007
Location: On course
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,992
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The only criticism that I have of this is that "pushed aside". It doesn't work for me and I'll quote what you say to Voodoo, if the reader can't understand your metaphor then use one that will be understood.
Last edited by Baron : 09-09-2007 at 03:20 PM.
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09-09-2007, 03:17 PM
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#9
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Sardinia Italy
Gender: Male
Posts: 284
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Is that "sunrise" or "summer rise" or "summer sunrise"
Though
sweet, not salty the taste
Should there be an "is" after salty?
Love the way you use words.
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09-10-2007, 07:44 AM
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#10
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sardpete
Is that "sunrise" or "summer rise" or "summer sunrise"
Though
sweet, not salty the taste
Should there be an "is" after salty?
Love the way you use words.
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it's acceptable to leave the 'is' our here, i don't want the imagery to feel complete, i want them to blend.
i'm thinking about the 'summer sunrise' kinda like the rhythm of that.
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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09-10-2007, 02:29 PM
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#11
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Sardinia Italy
Gender: Male
Posts: 284
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a comma after salty?
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09-10-2007, 03:29 PM
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#12
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Writing Machine
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Grimsby, England
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,866
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sardpete
a comma after salty?
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okay 
__________________
don't count me a blank page
waiting to be written on,
see me as a written page
waiting to be photocopied.
http://www.writersbeat.com
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