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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
09-09-2007, 02:21 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 400
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Molly!
Molly Molly!
How are you?
Remember how the sky was blue?
Puffy clouds
the children shouted:
"Have a merry day now, you!"
Screaming children
cursed to say
hello goodbye
in cultured ways,
tip their hats
then take a bath
then wake up slaving
everyday.
Now here we are
old and white
violet from flourescent light,
adding pounds around the waste
but really though, you look just great!
Hey
remember
in the days
first year of
highschool?
the fools, the jocks, the toughs, the sluts
--hell, you were one!
We all needed
recess breaks
to gather and complain,
and that day I forced you into a handshake!
"Oh ho! Look at me! Sly trickster!"
Nice to meet you Molly. Molly? Mo-lly? Molly, okay, Molly.
Molly
Molly
Molly
Molly Molly.
Needed you then babe,
but no.
No.
You needed Mr. Varsity.
But you know what Molly?
Molly?
It's all right
Molly.
What do you say I finish this drink and we skip out on this "Reunion" shit.
Last edited by Matthatter : 09-09-2007 at 12:37 PM.
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09-09-2007, 08:24 AM
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#2
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Canada
Gender: Male
Posts: 279
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Quote:
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adding pounds around the waste
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thought this was a typo at first but as I look more, it fits great as is
enjoyed this, even the breaks, held a conversation tone and one easily recognised.
could be titles 'Hitting on Molly' lol, like yours better though. nicely done
TL |
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09-09-2007, 12:35 PM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Oregon
Gender: Male
Posts: 400
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As tempting as it is to pretend I wrote "waste" for a reason... it actually really was just the wrong word  I meant waist lol.
Thanks for the comments!
Glad you liked the breaks, I wasn't sure if readers would like it or not. I wanted there to be a point where the character has finished his prepared sharng of the memories speech/pick-up, turning the situation into something very awkward.
I think I'm going to edit
Quote:
Hey
remember in the days
first year
highschool?
the fools, the jocks, the toughs, the sluts
--hell, you were one!
We all needed
those breaks
to gather and do what we wanted:
Complain
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this a little bit though. I don't like how it moves at the end. |
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09-09-2007, 12:39 PM
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#4
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,866
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At the beginning it had a nice rhythm, but right near the end it lost it, and became rather jarring.
As to the waste, you really should learn not to look the gift horse in the mouth. Only if you can't find any reason to justify a typo should you admit you messed up.
On the whole, I likewd the beginning the most(first three stanzas).
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
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