tia_tia07

There's some inconsistancy in the rhyme pattern... but i think i like it how it is... if you have any suggestions, please feel free.

Magnolias cover the ground
that her little feet tread-
covering the path
and clouding up her head.

She thinks not of the
terror throughout the woods-
of the nightmares that lay
and the killers that could.

Following the little ray
of petal-covered path,
gliding effortlessly home
to take her evening bath.

The glow of the cottage
reaches out to touch her face.
So does the strange creature
who’s quickening its pace.

His treachery and trickery
in the gathering night
lead her to believe
what any child might…

That he is good and clean
and right- no evil lingers here!
Her bright, sweet
child’s eyes show no fear.

She turns to step inside
her home aglow with love-
and creature knows its time
to pull off his dirty glove…

He does so, and the child,
happy and unlearned,
offers home without guile
in her colored eyes of fern.

He looked upon the child
he so dared to harm-
her green eyes looked to his
and his coal heart warmed.

He stepped inside the light;
The smell of baking flooded.
He, this nasty thing,
sat gilded and gluttoned.

Days without a morsel,
no light or happiness
had made him what he is-
and a child knows what rapture is!

For a home filled
with light and good
changed a creature of the dark
thanks to a Little Red Hood.

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benji

Wow this is certainly a differant perspective.
The rhyme pattern seemed pretty "on" to me too.
This one made me smile

mybluehell

yea i agree with Benji, the rhyme scheme seemed pretty right on to me as well.

i like how you only revealed that it was Little Red Riding Hood at the end. And i also love the parallel to reality...am i going too far to assume that this might have something to do with you personally?

anyway, i thoroughly enjoy this...and i certainly look forward to reading more of your writing. i dig your style.

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testinglimits

I kept thinking of the movie 'Hoodwinked'. Enjoyed this, glad it was a moral based one for it had the rhyming scheme of one rather than the darkened nature of sinister doings. Loved the ending indeed.

TL

tia_tia07

Thaks all, very much. The part two is a bit more sinister... ill post when i find more time.
mybluhell...you're right.

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Cran

I think the pattern works well with the theme, tia_tia07, and I liked it ...

one place you might want to look at again:
he so dared to hurt-
her green eyes looked to his
and his coal heart burnt.

coal heart burnt is a bit unwieldy ...
and reminds me of the old-fashioned
golem/mechanical man/Frankenstein's monster ...
rather than the cold, calculating hunter/killer ...

instead of the hurt/burnt rhyme ...
would you consider harm/warm ?

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tia_tia07

great suggestion! 'preciate it. I think i see the hard 't' sound making that line a little too harsh for what i wanted.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

I really liked it, very fairy tale-like. I think there was a little too much he/she in there though, I'd try to remove a few (or not).

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