Shawn

This form is really similar to my last poem I posted here, but the content is different. It's short, it's to the point. So what's your impression?


I meander West, beyond the field;
Loose gravel at my feet.
'Lashes break blighted rays,
The grass reflects them 'neath.
And tho' my footing's quite unsure,
My confidence remains, at least.
The West is at my fingertips,
But my end is in the East.

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The most frightening part of leaving a parent's home, to me, is not knowing where one's own home is.

Eiji Tunsinagi

Everyone loves a vagabond's gallivanting, so I really enjoyed this, and the language style. I didn't like the part I put in bold. It sticks with the rhyme but doesn't feel like a sufficient rhyme...if you know what I mean.

The last two lines still rhyme, even without the "at least" bit. IMO.

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"

Baron

I'm tempted to quote dannyboy here Shawn, give me concrete. Your're producing good stuff and this is no exception but I feel there's a need of some strong central image to give this a little more depth.

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Eiji Tunsinagi

I should've caught that! I was rapt up in the idea...

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"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."

"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"