I had better begin,
Grim, by admitting I know nothing about
the mechanics or styles of poetry ... in fact, what I don't know
could fill libraries ...
So, my thoughts and opinions come from my own view of things,
and the voice in my head which recites for the pleasure of
rhythm and flow ...
Overall, what I'm seeing here is a tableau, or a portrait
in primary inks on rice paper, capturing a moment which might
be seen as justice ... or as retribution ... a powerful subject ...
(or as self defence against murderous family ... a very different
but still powerful subject)
My impression of Far Eastern art (word and image) is the desire
to achieve beauty in simplicity - to pare away anything which
might be extraneous, and leave only the essence of the subject ...
Quote:
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Originally Posted by Grim
The thrall [is pressed] close [around me], [1]
[What was once my kin now cries] for my destruction, [2]
[They return my love for them] with warning smoke.[3]
My body [is still, unshakable,] yet my heart bleeds free [4]
Trembling [before] the weight of their fear and blame. [5]
The [summation] of their hate is brought to light by a [6]
Brother [that] I do not know, with an idea as sharp as the dawn [7]
I let fly the truth, my soul,
Across his eyes and along his breast,
[Proving to them] its quiet and dignified sanctity, [8]
That which is right in this world.
The devil’s teeth [close], glinting against a bleeding sky [9]
My truth is sheathed, the message of heaven
Delivered to vacant eyes.
The air ignites. I am reminded of the summer.
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[1] not keen on the passive
is pressed ... I would prefer the active
presses ...
possibly don't need
around me here ...
if
the thrall presses close, then (me) is central to that without limiting
the thrall to the immediate vicinity - it could continue beyond the visible horizon ...
[2]
what was once (my) kin are the lifeless (murdered?) bodies ...
yet
(my) kin remain, for their memories - their spirits - are crying ...
or if I look at it the other way,
(my) kin have turned on me and threaten
fratricide ... but, even cast out - disenfranchised - they remain
(my) kin ...
you might want to rethink the
what was once, if only for the
wa wa wa of it ...
and if the
kin are more than one, then
cry rather than
cries ...
[3]
They and
them suggest more than one
kin ...
return my love already indicates that the love was
for them ...
you don't need
for them ...
[4] in other settings, I quite like reinforcement, but in keeping
with the idea of essence, simplicity, I'm not sure it works here ...
perhaps a single strong verb in the present tense,
instead of
is still, unshakable?
[5] one may
tremble before the might, but usually one will
tremble beneath the weight ... for it is in bearing the load that the weight is felt ...
[6] not keen on
summation - too vague -
you could be saying the precis, or the conclusion, or the summary, or the addition ...
or you might be saying the essence, or the totality, or the whole ...
[7]
that seems unnecessary ...
[8]
to them also seems unnecessary, and even confusing ...
them links to the last group of nouns, so this can be read as
proving to the eyes and chest, or you might be harking back to the
kin ...
which would seem more likely in honouring kinship ...
whereas you need prove nothing to the eyes and chest ...
[9] I like this ... could be read as
shut or
near ...
Summing up,
Grim, I like your use of language ...
and I think there is a strong, tight piece waiting to be drawn out ...
