Winter Has Arrived Early... - Writers Forum

Edgewise · 08-20-2007, 10:53 PM

I stand outside in the icicle land,
Cigarette dangling in my left hand,
For every 10 cars which pass by,
One will drench me,
So I allow the muddy slush to quench me,
Relentlessly, traffic continues to pass,
A mass of metal pertaining to nothing,
But the sound is soothing as I watch my breath,
Refusing to take that final step back,
From the curb, it’s absurd how I refuse to relent,
In the face of the others ridiculous attempts,
To dash forward to wherever it is they are going,
Red light, the traffic is finally slowing.

tia_tia07 · 08-20-2007, 10:57 PM

makes me cold. good imagery, i could totally see it.

Edgewise · 08-21-2007, 05:32 PM

Thanks Tia. I am tempted to regard this as a throwaway, unless anyone objects.

Baron · 08-21-2007, 05:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Thanks Tia. I am tempted to regard this as a throwaway, unless anyone objects.

Never throw an idea. If you're not satisfied yourself then wait and incorporate it into something else. Tim Rice is still reworking songs that he wrote when he was at school.

I think this has potential and I've yet to see anything that you've written that should be disregarded. I'd suggest another look at some of the punctuation before going any further though.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 08-21-2007, 05:44 PM

I like it but this line:

"A mass of metal pertaining to nothing,"

Though I definitely agree with it, it seemed not to apply to the rest of the piece and the imagery and whathaveyou. It seemed out of place. I liked the rest quite well.

Inkwad · 08-21-2007, 06:38 PM

Edge, the ideas in this went BOING at me.
A harsh jumble of images that have a certain power actually.
Perhaps you will decide to throw it away but know that you've managed to strike a chord of recognition in at least one person first.
So maybe...?
X

Pale Gallery · 08-21-2007, 07:23 PM

There is a chilly breeze coming through my window right now, so this kinda worked for me. I can also relate to this, I've had a few of these days this summer.

Edgewise · 08-22-2007, 02:19 PM

Thanks guys/gals. Will keep after all. Will see what can be done about "mass of metal...". Will also check punctuation.

Baron · 08-22-2007, 04:31 PM

To quote Az, don't abandon your babies.

The Duke · 08-22-2007, 05:06 PM

I love this poem. Only one little bit bothers me:

"Refusing to take that final step back,
From the curb, it’s absurd how I refuse to relent,"

That little line there, "From the curb," just disrupts the flow of the poem for me. If it were my work, i would just drop that phrase all together and leave it:

"Refusing to take that final step back,
It’s absurd how I refuse to relent,"

Azmakna · 08-22-2007, 05:13 PM

i honestly have absolutely no idea what to make of this poem. is it good, is it bad? this is a splitter, a very rare poem that divides a community, watch out! lol... i'm leaning towards like though

Edgewise · 08-22-2007, 09:55 PM

Changed a few things, left a few things. It is more or less the same piece though.

I stand outside in the icicle land,
Cigarette dangling in my left hand,
For every 10 cars which pass by,
One will drench me,
So I allow the muddy slush to quench me.
Traffic continues to pass, relentless.
A mass of metal pertaining to nothing,
The sound is soothing as I watch my breath,
Refusing to take that final step back,
It’s absurd how I refuse to relent,
In the face of the others ridiculous attempts,
To dash forward to wherever it is they are going.
Red light, the traffic is finally slowing.

Thanks to all for kind comments.

Baron · 08-22-2007, 10:01 PM

I still like it Edge. It's your baby and if you're still not happy then it could become a part of something bigger.

Edgewise · 08-22-2007, 10:13 PM

This is more of a miscarriage I think. Still, it may come in handy at some point. Phrases and what have you.

It's funny, this took me about 10 minutes to write and most seem to like it. The stuff I take time with seems to go over less well. I can't help but wonder why. Anyone else have a similar experience with working on poetry? I am perplexed.

Baron · 08-22-2007, 10:19 PM

Its always subjective with any art form. I think that a lot of people have an image in their mind of what they think os poetry and they won't take too long if it doesn't fit that form. It seems that the people who I've come to respect here seem to have a high view of your work and I've yet to see it get any bad press.