the maiden lay dreaming - Writers Forum

Cran · 08-20-2007, 02:57 PM

withdrawn for publication

Baron · 08-21-2007, 09:08 PM

This is a great piece Cran and I'd like to spend loger on it. It's 3 a.m here. I'm going to come back to it but for now I'm bumping it because it slipping away without the views or the comments it deserves.

tia_tia07 · 08-21-2007, 09:16 PM

wonderful. imagery was delightful and sexy. good read! im printing this one out...

Eiji Tunsinagi · 08-21-2007, 09:19 PM

This was hot.

Ilasir Maroa · 08-21-2007, 09:23 PM

Hmm... most unique piece I've seen here in awhile.

Cran · 08-21-2007, 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

This is a great piece Cran and I'd like to spend loger on it. It's 3 a.m here. I'm going to come back to it but for now I'm bumping it because it slipping away without the views or the comments it deserves.

thank you, Baron ... I look forward to your return ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by tia_tia07

wonderful. imagery was delightful and sexy. good read! im printing this one out...

thank you, tia_tia07 ...
the imagery was partly inspired by a song lyric I occasionally performed (called The Dancing Ground) but can't post here because it was written by a friend (whose ability to craft songs makes me exceedingly jealous) ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eiji Tunsinagi

This was hot.

Thanks Eiji ...
the lady who first asked me to write an erotic dance/dream sequence thought so too ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Hmm... most unique piece I've seen here in awhile.

unique is good ... thank you, Ilasir ...

Baron · 08-22-2007, 01:00 PM

"his heat displaces the cold" This is the only part of this poem that seems to spoil the rest of the picture (to me) after the preceding stanzas cold doesn't apply. Perhaps you could read through and think about the placement of the commas, or lack. The poem is great but some of the lines need to be "rehearsed" to read comfortably aloud. A few pauses would help this.

vangoghsear · 08-22-2007, 01:26 PM

Cran, I need a cigarette, and I don't even smoke! Lovely and evocative, full of great images.

Azmakna · 08-22-2007, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cran

Disclaimer:

erotic fantasy theme - contains mild sexual references

And now, sweet maiden, prepare thy smile
for the lover, the dancer, the tall silent stranger
approaches and holds out his hand to take yours.
Then creeping soft through the nightly wood misting
in diamond-dewed slippers, the maiden lay dreaming,
to come to a meeting place of golden light
and a low swollen moon bathed in warm fire.

In the silence, a single theme from a woodnymph's pipe
calls to the dancers, "come gather 'round",
and the bards to the music the first movement strike,
as you dance with the master, the maestro, the player.
His fingers press notes upon your bared spine (this leaped out for some reason, i know you can correct it)

from your neck to the sweet dimpled small of your back,
from a soft hum of pleasure to a deep moan divine.

And his arms enfold, surround and lift you

just at this point the rhythm dies just for a moment. i think its the 'D' to the 'S' that makes it trip

as music like flamesmoke in whirling ascent,
and breathless are borne through a starry sky,
then descend to his arms to be taken
to kisses as soft as a sigh.
His breath and his hands move to cover your skin
in a sinuous feline motion,
and his lips touch your neck and stir you within
to his urgent passion's devotion.

i would think a little longer with this stanza, the hard last two rhyming couplets (think that's what there called. lol). are too conscious of the writer... hope you know what i mean here)

The red flames dance higher as he lowers you down
and he kisses your lips and grows bolder,
then draws on the ribbons that tied back your hair
so it falls to caress your pale shoulder.
The gown which covered you slides from your breast
and reveals your charms to behold;
when he presses against you the weight of his chest,
his heat displaces the cold.

before i say this i have to say that you have just taken me through a sublime moment, but i would rethink this poem because it may be better served and more endearing if you shortened it. but that's how i feel at this point in the poem, it may well change in the next stanza.

Now the moment is passed when you might resist,
and with hungry delight traces your body,
which trembles and writhes as it is kissed,
as the panther descends from your breast to your belly.
And your skin tingles cooling where his tongue has passed.
Then all thoughts are lost in a clouded enchantment,
when his mouth finds your intimate pleasures at last.

With high arching back and tense clutching fingers,
the lotus of Venus worships the moon,
and brings forth your nectar for the tongue that still lingers
to drink of your pleasure and draw you to swoon.
So does the music call forth the new rhythm,
rolling like thunder through your pale flesh,
as mystical waves of inner communion
rise and fall and be reborn afresh.

Muscle and sinew draw tighter your breath,
and a strangled cry in your throat is released
in a single moment of pleasure divine,
and glowing whispers of peace ...

i said early on that i thought this would work better as a shorter piece, well i'd have to still agree with that. there is some wonderful writing in this, especially at the beginning, that i would take everything here that meant more to you than... say a line that just sort of fitted. i can feel a shorter poem, i can see what's been added.

Charlie_Eleanor · 08-22-2007, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cran

With high arching back and tense clutching fingers,
the lotus of Venus worships the moon,
and brings forth your nectar for the tongue that still lingers
to drink of your pleasure and draw you to swoon.
So does the music call forth the new rhythm,
rolling like thunder through your pale flesh,
as mystical waves of inner communion
rise and fall and be reborn afresh.

Love this stanza. It flowed so well. I would say it could be a poem of its own.

Wonderful! A pleasure to read, as so many longer poems are not. It is sexy, sensual, beautiful, intoxicating...etc...I'm sure there are things you can improve on, but that is not for me to say since I enjoyed it so much.

Well Done.

Cran · 08-22-2007, 08:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

"his heat displaces the cold" This is the only part of this poem that seems to spoil the rest of the picture (to me) after the preceding stanzas cold doesn't apply.

There are two meanings in that phrase, Baron ...
the literal meaning - from personal experience -
being in a forest clearing, at night, with the mist all around,
and fire in the centre ...
at the moment of removing an item of clothing,
and exposing skin to that air ... oh yeah! it's cold! ...
and then follows the wondering if you did the right thing ...
until either the radiant warmth from the fire,
or the intimate warmth of lover's body,
convinces you it's OK ...

and bearing the theme in mind,
I'll leave the second meaning to your imagination ...

Quote:

Perhaps you could read through and think about the placement of the commas, or lack. The poem is great but some of the lines need to be "rehearsed" to read comfortably aloud. A few pauses would help this.

ahh, Baron ... you got me there!
originally, this piece had no punctuation at all ...
it's a performance piece ... and yes, should be rehearsed ...
but the phrasing, and the pauses, can vary on different readings ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by vangoghsear

Cran, I need a cigarette, and I don't even smoke! Lovely and evocative, full of great images.

thank you, vangoghsear, I'm glad you enjoyed it ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

His fingers press notes upon your bared spine (this leaped out for some reason, i know you can correct it)

yes, I thought it might ...

His fingers press notes [upon] your bared spine

this line is one of the key moments ...
(if you never have, then try it next time you slow dance with your lover/partner/intended ...
whether or not a backless gown is involved ...
finding the right amount of pressure and rhythm might take a while ...)
but upon is a last-minute change ...
it has, at times, been along ... down ... all down ...
none of which I've been completely happy with ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

And his arms enfold, surround and lift you

just at this point the rhythm dies just for a moment. i think its the 'D' to the 'S' that makes it trip

Have you been looking over my shoulder?

originally it was (and is performed as):

And his arms enfold you, surround and lift you

but I was expecting to get "pinged!" for repeating you in the line ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

i would think a little longer with this stanza, the hard last two rhyming couplets (think that's what there called. lol). are too conscious of the writer... hope you know what i mean here)

ahh, Azmakna ... you got me there!
until I posted it, this piece had no stanzas ...
but, from reading other threads, some readers find a long unbroken poem
a bit too much (too daunting?), and want the extra visual breathing spaces ...

the last two rhyming couplets (I haven't a clue, but I'll follow your lead here ...)
more correctly belong with the following stanza ...
but visually, that looked unwieldy ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azmakna

before i say this i have to say that you have just taken me through a sublime moment, but i would rethink this poem because it may be better served and more endearing if you shortened it. but that's how i feel at this point in the poem, it may well change in the next stanza.

"shortened it?"

...

I understand what you're saying (I think) ...

but I am also conscious of a common criticism about men:

always coming in a rush, and
they always finish too soon!

Baron · 08-22-2007, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cran

There are two meanings in that phrase, Baron ...
the literal meaning - from personal experience -
being in a forest clearing, at night, with the mist all around,
and fire in the centre ...
at the moment of removing an item of clothing,
and exposing skin to that air ... oh yeah! it's cold! ...
and then follows the wondering if you did the right thing ...
until either the radiant warmth from the fire,
or the intimate warmth of lover's body,
convinces you it's OK ...

and bearing the theme in mind,
I'll leave the second meaning to your imagination ...

ahh, Baron ... you got me there!
originally, this piece had no punctuation at all ...
it's a performance piece ... and yes, should be rehearsed ...
but the phrasing, and the pauses, can vary on different readings ...

thank you, vangoghsear, I'm glad you enjoyed it ...

yes, I thought it might ...

His fingers press notes [upon] your bared spine

this line is one of the key moments ...
(if you never have, then try it next time you slow dance with your lover/partner/intended ...
whether or not a backless gown is involved ...
finding the right amount of pressure and rhythm might take a while ...)
but upon is a last-minute change ...
it has, at times, been along ... down ... all down ...
none of which I've been completely happy with ...

Have you been looking over my shoulder?

originally it was (and is performed as):

And his arms enfold you, surround and lift you

but I was expecting to get "pinged!" for repeating you in the line ...

ahh, Azmakna ... you got me there!
until I posted it, this piece had no stanzas ...
but, from reading other threads, some readers find a long unbroken poem
a bit too much (too daunting?), and want the extra visual breathing spaces ...

the last two rhyming couplets (I haven't a clue, but I'll follow your lead here ...)
more correctly belong with the following stanza ...
but visually, that looked unwieldy ...

"shortened it?"

...

I understand what you're saying (I think) ...

but I am also conscious of a common criticism about men:

always coming in a rush, and
they always finish too soon!

And I believed that Barry Humphries was a true ambassodor for Australia and that Aussies were usually too tanked up to get that far.

Pale Gallery · 08-22-2007, 08:28 PM

Spine tinglelinglelingly good.

Cran · 08-22-2007, 08:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Charlie_Eleanor

Love this stanza. It flowed so well. I would say it could be a poem of its own.

Wonderful! A pleasure to read, as so many longer poems are not. It is sexy, sensual, beautiful, intoxicating...etc...I'm sure there are things you can improve on, but that is not for me to say since I enjoyed it so much.

Well Done.

Thank you, Charlie_Eleanor ...
I must confess ... I like it too ...
but it was this stanza that made me delay posting ...
I was concerned that it might be too obvious for this forum ...
(you know the drill - death and gore is fine for teenagers,
but expose them to intimacy or sex? never!)

Cran · 08-22-2007, 08:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

And I believed that Barry Humphries was a true ambassodor for Australia and that Aussies were usually too tanked up to get that far.

It's true, Baron - I am not a good Aussie ...

I hardly drink at all ...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pale Gallery

Spine tinglelinglelingly good.

thank you, Pale Gallery ...

now I must rush off and do some paid writing ...
and then catch up with your poems ...