Nice work Cran! I read it aloud several times, each time I got a lil different feeling, but here is my take on it:
Despite the fact that some of the world’s most erotic pieces are clothed in gallant language of yore, it is usually difficult for me to really feel it….however, your low swollen moon bathed in warm fire/fingers pressing notes on a bared (as opposed to bare) spine, your soft hum of pleasure and deep moan divine made it deliciously clear if indeed she was a maiden, she will be one no more…and feel the better for it! Wish it were me! Laff.
Had to smile wickedly at the wood nymph’s pipe---thank goodness you did not mention the length! But I know how wicked you can be. Oh, it is not how it sounds folks…Cran and I have never met!!!
This stanza started out good for me, but then I somehow got loss with the numerous use of his…Could we take the his out of “his arms…then descend to his arms…his breath…his lips then leave in the last his it would be stronger? See below…or does that kill your intent and rhythm? I chopped at it a bit below to show you what I meant...
And arms enfold, surround and lift you
as music like flamesmoke in whirling ascent,
and breathless are borne through a starry sky,
then descend to be taken
kisses as soft as a sigh.
breath and his hands move to cover your skin
in sinuous feline motion,
lips touch your neck and stir within you
his urgent passion's devotion.
The only problem with the above changes would be that they would have to remain consistent throughout the piece, hmmmmmmmmmmm
The red flames dance higher as he lowers you down
and kisses your lips and grows bolder,
then draws on the ribbons that tied back your hair
so it falls to caress your pale shoulder.
The gown slides from your breast
and reveals your charms to behold;
when he presses against you the weight of his chest,
his heat displaces the cold.
Now the moment
has (?) passed when you might resist,
hungry delight traces your body,
which trembles and writhes as it is kissed,
the panther descends from breast to belly.
And your skin tingles cooling where his tongue has passed.
(your cooling skin tingles where his tongue has passed . ??could we do that? Maybe not, sounds like she is cooling off. Hmmm )
Then all thoughts are lost in clouded enchantment,
when his mouth finds your intimate pleasures
at last.
( would put this on a line of its own….kind of peaks there)
With high arching back and tense clutching fingers,
the lotus of Venus worships the moon,
and brings forth nectar for the tongue that still lingers
to drink of your pleasure and draw you to swoon.
So does the music call forth the new rhythm,
rolling like thunder through your pale flesh,
as mystical waves of inner communion
rise and fall and be reborn afresh.
( still wishing it were me! Cran!)
Muscle and sinew draw tighter,
breath
and a strangled cry in your throat
released
in a single moment of pleasure
divine,
and glowing whispers of peace ...
( could we be so radical as to suddenly change the form here?…I think it hits harder….no pun intended! Well, maybe you know me . verrrrrrrrrrrrrry nice Cran…but then again I always tell you this, no?
wie immer GT!
__________________
"I don't know ... I'm making it up as I go ..." - Dr I Jones
Nature abhors perfection - cats abhor a vacuum!
lost in the rush:
http://www.writingforums.com/poetry/...-dreaming.html
Last edited by Cran : 08-22-2007 at 08:39 PM. Reason: comma in the wrong place
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