The Island of Misfit Boys - Edit 1 - Writers Forum

gary_wagner · 08-13-2007, 09:36 AM

Cornelius threw his pick, licked the sticky
residue from the iron axe, spit
in disgust. Nothing there worth his "yahoo!",
he paddled away on a chunk of floating ice.

Santa nearly lost control of his sleigh
when Rudolph clipped the jagged Mount
Of Errant Ways, stopped to bury
his favorite red-nosed flier,
honored Donder’s grieving vow,
never to return
to the Island of Misfit Boys.

Rambunctious boys display bravado,
wear a mask of apathy,
hold their tears for private moments
when they cower in the dark recesses
of the musty darkened caves.

They drown their sorrows in the drinks
of grown-up men, stagger in drunken stupor
to sleep in their blanketless beds.

Letters to Santa in empty whiskey
bottles sink to the ocean floor,
bubbles of wishes and pleas
float to the surface and disappear
in the salty waves.

Eiji Tunsinagi · 08-13-2007, 09:43 AM

I didn't read the original, but I liked this one so what's it matter. It was very magical and a little sad.

Baron · 08-13-2007, 09:51 AM

Just a question Gary; are you using yahoo here as a reference to the Gulliver's Travels type yahoo (the original source of the word), which would fit the poem but be a little cryptic?

gary_wagner · 08-13-2007, 10:15 AM

Thanks, Eiji.

Baron, no - the yahoo here is what Cornelius in the TV program "Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer" (from about 30 years ago) would yell when he threw his pick into the air and tasted it to see if he should dig there or not. All the references to Cornelius, the floating chunk of rock, Santa, and Rudolph come from that stop-action program.

Baron · 08-13-2007, 10:47 AM

could you indulge me and put it in quotation marks as you did on the other forum?

Ilasir Maroa · 08-13-2007, 11:19 AM

I like the imagery here, and the different tone makes it seperate enough from the other version that both can be individual poems. I have only one issue with this:

"when they cower in the dark recesses
of the musty darkened caves."

maybe try a different word than dark in the first line. Dank or damp could give a better image. Or some other word. I really don't know what the caves look like inside, but caves are often wet or damp, or moist.

and a thought;
like Baron said:
"yahoo"

gary_wagner · 08-13-2007, 11:20 AM

Done.

Baron · 08-13-2007, 12:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

I like the imagery here, and the different tone makes it seperate enough from the other version that both can be individual poems. I have only one issue with this:

"when they cower in the dark recesses How about "deep"?
of the musty darkened caves."

maybe try a different word than dark in the first line. Dank or damp could give a better image. Or some other word. I really don't know what the caves look like inside, but caves are often wet or damp, or moist.

and a thought;
like Baron said:
"yahoo"

gary_wagner · 08-13-2007, 02:05 PM

Thanks, Ilasir. There was something lonely about sitting in the dark to cry that I was trying to capture with the cave. I could use dank or damp but thought that was implied with musty. I'm sure dark is also implied to most people but I am a very literal person and was thinking that it isn't completely dark until you get deeper into the cave. I'll add this to my "think about it" list.

Baron, deep might work better to reinforce the thought as I expressed to Ilasir. Thanks.