Welcome to Writing Forums, one of the fastest growing writing communties on the web.
You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions, articles and photo galleries. By joining our free community you will
be able to talk with other writers, get feedback on your work to improve your writing skills, discuss ideas, share tips & tricks, network and make friends!
Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!
If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact support.
| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-12-2007, 09:39 PM
|
#1
|
|
Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: I live in Glen Burnie,Md aobut 5 miles South of Baltimore.
Gender: Male
Posts: 78
|
What you asked of me
We had a boat party. One of those small short 2 -3 hour cruises out of the harbour. A lady friend of mine had started a relationship with this certain man and I think I caught them right after a kiss,which I did not see. Later she took me off to the side and asked me,What did you see? This was my answer I sent her later in email.
What was it I saw ,you asked of me
I only saw what you wanted me to see
Nothing but two of you standing there
Out to sea I saw a man and woman stare
Lady ever so beautiful in her red
Hearing no words but feelings instead
Isn't this the way you wanted it to be
Now what was the question you asked of me?
Remember this day as the best in your life
Spending one evening of no worry ,pain or strife
But that night was what was best for you then
Joyful heartbearts that you felt again and again
Now you feel that you have these starry eyes
Glazed with sparkle you never thought to realize
Now you'll have a sweet memory of a moonlit night
I saw nothing, but on you , a smile of delight
I am not sure the punctuation was right. I would like to improve on it if possible.What do you all think?
__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.
|
|
|
|
08-12-2007, 09:44 PM
|
#2
|
|
Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
|
Worked for me. Except for "again and again". Just leave it at one "again".
What response did she give you to this?
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
|
|
|
|
|
08-13-2007, 01:55 AM
|
#3
|
|
Banned
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 736
|
It would be far more interesting to see the conflict that exists between you and the 'lady in red'. What bounds her to ask and what bounds you to skirt around the objective.
|
|
|
|
|
08-13-2007, 08:47 AM
|
#4
|
|
Writing Machine
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,994
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by biggles
It would be far more interesting to see the conflict that exists between you and the 'lady in red'. What bounds her to ask and what bounds you to skirt around the objective.
|
I actually didn't want to know. I think that would have been too straightforward. How it is now, I can tell their is a conflict (or was one) and I'm left trying to think of what it could all be about. Maybe it's just me.
__________________
"nothing is perfect, nothing lasts, and nothing is finished."
"how will you go about finding that thing the nature of which is totally unknown to you?"
|
|
|
|
|
08-13-2007, 11:54 AM
|
#5
|
|
Scribe
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: I live in Glen Burnie,Md aobut 5 miles South of Baltimore.
Gender: Male
Posts: 78
|
Quote:
Originally Posted by biggles
It would be far more interesting to see the conflict that exists between you and the 'lady in red'. What bounds her to ask and what bounds you to skirt around the objective.
|
No conflict as this was many years ago. The young lady had asked my help to start a softball team of BBS players and we became friends. Remember the BBS era guys and gals?? She was too popular for me to have a conflict with her as I was a married man and still am to the same woman after 40 years. It was a BBS party actually.
__________________
Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow hasn't come.
Today is now, and now is all we have.
|
|
|
|
|
08-13-2007, 03:38 PM
|
#6
|
|
Prolific Writer
Join Date: May 2007
Location: California USA
Gender: Female
Posts: 435
|
Hi Dennis, This is a very nice poem. I know the rhymes work in some of these places, but you have a few cliched expressions, "pain or strife" "starry eyes" "smile of delight" If you try to say the same things in a fresh way it can really enhance the poem. You did express the thought and feel of the poem very well, tho. Good
|
|
|
|
|
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
|
|
|
Posting Rules
|
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
HTML code is Off
|
|
|
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:29 AM. Powered by vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2007, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
LinkBacks Enabled by vBSEO 3.1.0
|
|
Newsletter |
 |
|
Subscribe to Majestic
the official newsletter of Writing Forums and lit.org
|
|
Link to Us: 
|
|
