Fallen Angel - Writers Forum

DCHXIII · 08-12-2007, 08:55 PM

Feathers fall, drifting in the breeze,
Like a pillow bleeding.
My back aches -- empty, slashed by the cold air,
I am afraid to turn around, seeing,
That my wings are no longer there.

When I look back, I see,
What I no longer am.
What I can never be.
And I'm scared. Cold. Dead inside.
I want to fly, instead I fall.
It's not true.
It's not better to have loved and lost,
Than to have never loved at all.

Now I know it. Knowledge paid for through my damnation,
Every step I take brings me a step further from salvation.
A step further from you.
It chills me. Worse than the blood loss. Or the sight
Of my mangled wings, or this terrible night,
The thought of being without you.

I've tried to forget -- it doesn't work, I can't move on,
I just stare at the sky, and wonder where you've gone.
I can see the rushing cement,
I can feel pounding rhythm of my heart about to fade,
The wind whips at me, pavement drawing close, but even now,
Even here, I pray.
Not for myself.
But for you.
My love.

biggles · 08-13-2007, 01:50 AM

They've jumped to their death?

Pete_C · 08-13-2007, 04:29 AM

The idea is good, but the execution was - in my mind - wrong for this. It's too stop/start, and whilst that can work in some pieces, I thought it actually detracted from this one.

I'd like to see it in a more flowing style.

Ilasir Maroa · 08-13-2007, 11:47 AM

really pete? huh. He might try rewriting it in more flowing style, and posting it seperately like Gary did with one of his poems. Personally I liked the stop/start feel. I think it gives this poem chjaracter.

cygnet · 08-13-2007, 04:38 PM

it has potential, but needs work,
What I no longer am.
What I can never be.
i think you should use who instead of what
Every step I take brings me a step further from salvation.
A step further from you.
maybe 'A step away from you' further seems redundant to me

Ilasir Maroa · 08-13-2007, 04:51 PM

not to argue, but sometimes redundancy is useful...

Baron · 08-13-2007, 05:49 PM

Seem to be a lot of angels on this forum at the moment

Pale Gallery · 08-13-2007, 06:10 PM

I said that before Baron, thats why I posted the 'Angel Angel' poem.

DCHXIII · 08-14-2007, 12:16 AM

My main problem with it is that it kind of seems childish, melodramatic, and Lincoln Park-ish in places... going to mull it over for awhile and then post the next draft.