Sad (You See) Pharisees - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Baron · 08-12-2007, 01:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

haha, after selorian's comment, I get the local politics thing, lol. Anyway, I thought it was a fine poem, liked the point, the rhythm, and it might not have been on purpose, but the last word of a line and the first word of the next line are often alliterative, or have assonance; nice.

Thanks Ilasir for the comments

gary_wagner · 08-12-2007, 01:55 PM

With your title mentioning saducees and pharisees, leaning toward a more biblical slant, particularly dealing with persecution, might help the effectiveness of this. By the way, that "sad you see" was the way I was taught to distinguish the saducees from the pharisees way back when I was just a wee lad in Bible classes. It must have worked because I remember it to this day.

And, thanks for the warning about quotations, blackwolf, but had this been a direct quote, it would have been attributed to the person quoted, had it been entirely my words, it would have had no quotation marks, but since it was a paraphrase I enclosed it in quotation marks. That's the way I was taught but it's been a long time ago and in a place far far away.

Baron · 08-12-2007, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gary_wagner

With your title mentioning saducees and pharisees, leaning toward a more biblical slant, particularly dealing with persecution, might help the effectiveness of this. By the way, that "sad you see" was the way I was taught to distinguish the saducees from the pharisees way back when I was just a wee lad in Bible classes. It must have worked because I remember it to this day.

And, thanks for the warning about quotations, blackwolf, but had this been a direct quote, it would have been attributed to the person quoted, had it been entirely my words, it would have had no quotation marks, but since it was a paraphrase I enclosed it in quotation marks. That's the way I was taught but it's been a long time ago and in a place far far away.

Sadducess don't believe in the resuurection, that's why they're sad, you see?

Quite right Gary

Edgewise · 08-12-2007, 08:27 PM

Glad to see you back Baron.

Baron · 08-12-2007, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Edgewise

Glad to see you back Baron.

Thanks Edge. Hope Eliasir isn't looking, we have to keep to topic.

Baron · 08-13-2007, 08:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

haha, after selorian's comment, I get the local politics thing, lol. Anyway, I thought it was a fine poem, liked the point, the rhythm, and it might not have been on purpose, but the last word of a line and the first word of the next line are often alliterative, or have assonance; nice.

Alliteration? Thanks for that Ilasir, good to get some real input to the poem rather than just get comments lost in the subject.

Azmakna · 08-13-2007, 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Critiques welcome on this poem.

Sad (You See) Pharisees

Freedom of speech, expression,
to voice an opinion,
the right to speak out boldly.

i just feel this ends too abruptly. if you could smooth the journey from 'ly' to 'the' it would flow better.

The artist may build an altar,
Make an offering,
but accept the praise or blame,
not give it.

What tyrant will hinder progress,
seek to dominate; control,
or still the pen of the ready writer?

fearless would be better i think, even though you lose the alliteration. if you changed 'still' to 'steer' which i think would be more accurate for your poem, then that would give you your mortar.

'or steer the pen of the fearless writer'

or even: 'steer the heart of the fearless penman'

Look close for here lurk
sad pathetic souls who think

i would replace this with 'apathetic'

that by the press of a button
they may silence a voice
which calls to question misuse,
abuse of authority.

i would rework this a little, baron.

Pointing the finger, falsely accusing,
eliminating all trace
of the words which reveal the lie;
exile those who question
but know the desolate ones are those
who seek to dominate the speaker,
or banish the unbridled talent
which they fail to stifle or repress.
Sadducees don’t believe in the resurrection.

still a nice poem though, baron.

Baron · 08-13-2007, 06:45 PM

Thanks Az. I used the term "ready writer" because it come from a psalm, "my pen will be that of a ready writer". I've slipped in a few similar cryptic references because of the title.

I will consider all of your suggestions and may well implement some of them. Thanks.

vangoghsear · 08-14-2007, 07:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gary_wagner

Protest poetry has it's place, but "methinks you protest too much".

Funny twist of this phrase.

A good message piece. I like the use of words and the feel and sound of the words you chose.

Baron · 08-15-2007, 02:34 PM

Thanks ear.