The Cybernetic Prayer - Writers Forum

mrd00d · 08-09-2007, 12:35 PM

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I'll match you with my laces, and make you make strange faces.
We'll do things in strange places, and maybe fall in love.
Will I end up just a name?
Upon some lonely scrolling screen...
with sights and sounds OBSCENE?
Who gives a DAMN about Marylin Monroe, and Elvis is DEAD...
Please! Let it go! The Past is the past.
While you have your memories, let's hope that they last.
Plan for the future, today has the future,
right NOW is your future...WAKE UP!
You've been sleeping much too long.
It's time we finally get along.
I know I'll never reach you all, them all, everyone.
For now I quote and even sample.
So much to learn, have I learned ample?
"This is just the background music,
you're not even paying attention..whip me beat me,
'cuz I'm and egg! Are you listening now!?"
REPENT! TODAY!
Lament, for things of yesterday.
ACT NOW! While you're still alive.
*AMEN*

© mrd00d aka Brian N Godfrey

Ilasir Maroa · 08-09-2007, 12:38 PM

Wow man, that was wack, but in a good way. you forced some rhymes, when you didn't have too though. The unrhyming parts of the poem captured the point better anyway; and it was free-versy as can be. Get rid of the rhymes and this could be awesome.

apple · 08-09-2007, 01:34 PM

MrdOOd, I really liked this. To me, it sounds almost like stream of thought. It just flowed from you, when it decided to rhyme...it did. That's the way it felt to me. It was traveling. One thought atomatically associated with another. Very, very, good.

mrd00d · 08-09-2007, 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by apple

MrdOOd, I really liked this. To me, it sounds almost like stream of thought. It just flowed from you, when it decided to rhyme...it did. That's the way it felt to me. It was traveling. One thought atomatically associated with another. Very, very, good.

THANKS! I wrote this a long time ago when I would post to Bulletin Board Systems in the poetry rooms.

One of them is still around if anyone wants to post poetry there. Use telnet globalonline.org from your run prompt to get there.

mrd00d · 08-09-2007, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

Wow man, that was wack, but in a good way. you forced some rhymes, when you didn't have too though. The unrhyming parts of the poem captured the point better anyway; and it was free-versy as can be. Get rid of the rhymes and this could be awesome.

Thanks for the comments. I try not to force rhymes, but I am not afraid to rhyme either. I am glad you liked this. Thanks again.

ClancyBoy · 08-09-2007, 07:34 PM

This and Dictionary Blues are my favorite poems of yours. This one reminds me of George Carlin's poetry, but much looser and more raw. It's like everything in your head coming out in raging torrent.
Being able to put exactly what is in your mind onto a page like this is a rare gift. I hope you keep writing these.

Oh, but your titles aren't nearly as good as the poems. Maybe take an image from the poem itself and use it as a title?

Pete_C · 08-10-2007, 03:35 AM

On the whole, it was good; I prefered the random stream type images rather than the commentary, but to be honest few people would go for a completely random work!