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| Poetry Poems, Haiku & Tanka etc. |
08-07-2007, 09:42 AM
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#1
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: In a black cave deep in the Black Forest, eating a black pudding and thinking black thoughts.
Gender: Female
Posts: 430
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Gilded Cage
Peace, as elusive as the spirits of air;
Life, as fleeting as a butterfly’s breath;
Trust, as fragile as a sparrow’s wing;
Self, as trapped as a nightingale in a gilded cage.
There is nothing sadder
Than a wolf without a pack;
There is nothing lonelier
Than a spindly tree in a forest of stumps;
There is no greater terror
Than that of a prisoner facing justice;
But the living ghost of a woman,
Leashed by love to a life she cannot comprehend –
She comes close.
The nightingale, trapped in her gilded cage –
She comes close.
Help me find another There is nothing... Than that. I've chosen and discarded lines beyond count, but I need three else the rythm is wrong, and I can't think of anything that suits. Maybe I should switch them to three There is no greater's, but I like the first two. Help.
__________________
Mr Speaker, I said the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases. ~ Richard Brinsley-Sheridan
Buggrit, mellenium hand and shrimp. ~ Foul Ol' Ron
http://www.writersbeat.com
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08-07-2007, 09:50 AM
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#2
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: H-town, dawg! (in other words, Houston area, Texas)
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,248
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Black wolf, I wish I had something to suggest, but what I can say is this is really good! Wow, I am very impressed.
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08-07-2007, 09:53 AM
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#3
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: In a black cave deep in the Black Forest, eating a black pudding and thinking black thoughts.
Gender: Female
Posts: 430
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I'd be more grateful if you didn't sound surprised, but thanks.
__________________
Mr Speaker, I said the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases. ~ Richard Brinsley-Sheridan
Buggrit, mellenium hand and shrimp. ~ Foul Ol' Ron
http://www.writersbeat.com
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08-07-2007, 09:56 AM
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#4
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Profound Writer
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: H-town, dawg! (in other words, Houston area, Texas)
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,248
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haha, i just haven't read your stuff. it isn't personal! It is so refreshing to read something so enjoyable. Sorry, didn't mean to be rude.
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08-07-2007, 10:02 AM
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#5
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Prolific Writer
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: In a black cave deep in the Black Forest, eating a black pudding and thinking black thoughts.
Gender: Female
Posts: 430
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I should probably make more of an effort to not be offended by compliments. I'm glad you like it.
__________________
Mr Speaker, I said the honourable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honourable member may place the punctuation where he pleases. ~ Richard Brinsley-Sheridan
Buggrit, mellenium hand and shrimp. ~ Foul Ol' Ron
http://www.writersbeat.com
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08-07-2007, 10:56 AM
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#6
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Ink Slinger
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: AmbientArtists
Gender: Private
Posts: 3,880
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This was really good. If you broke it into stanzas, you wouldn't need to add anything at all. You could break it befre the first "There..." and after "...justice." I should mention that the first three lines are easily the best, and you might want to work on the last four or so after "justice" which seem a little disconnected from the rest of the poem.
__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."    
www.theoddvillepress.com
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