To Find Myself Somewhere - Writers Forum

Ilasir Maroa · 08-06-2007, 05:07 PM

whatever you think needs fixing

To Find Myself Somewhere

To find myself somewhere up in the sky
Living alone with no-one to love me
Forever longing to finally die
And be buried in the cobalt blue sea

To find myself somewhere up in the hills
Listening to hawks, aloft on the wing
Looking out white doors and white windowsills
Longing for loving, painful words I sing

To find myself somewhere up in the clouds
Wishing for summer rains and red flowers
Looking at the dead, in black and white shrouds
Dreaming of true love, lost in grey showers

To always be lonely, never to find you
To never have a lover, to be kind to

Triquediqual · 08-06-2007, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

whatever you think needs fixing

To Find Myself Somewhere

To find myself somewhere up in the sky Nice opening line Ilasir.
Living alone with no-one to love me This isn't so good. Notice the "O" which appear 5 times and then the "M","V" and "I" vowel really disturb the alliteration. Thus I think this needs work. I also see a tiny improvement by even removing "Me", needs work. People know it's you to don't say "Me".
Forever longing to finally die
And be buried in the cobalt blue sea Remove the "And", it's pointless here. Maybe introducing the same syllabic line by changing Be to Being. Nice addition of the cobalt, certainly interesting. I'm just fighting two thoughts here. The first is you being up in the sky, then being buried in the sea or was this intended?

To find myself somewhere up in the hills Is "Somewhere" required, seems very vague?
Listening to hawks, aloft on the wing Hawks? Why pick such an attacking bird for such nice imagery?
Looking out white doors and white windowsills Lame and Clichéd.
Longing for loving, painful words I sing Forced rhyme here Ilasir. Lose the "Ing"s, there's far far too many of them Ilasir, makes the poem more solid.

To find myself somewhere up in the clouds
Wishing for summer rains and red flowers
Looking at the dead, in black and white shrouds You wanted summer rains but you dull them by calling them grey showers?? Doesn't make sense. Also, why the addition of "Dead" and morbid thoughts in a love poem. Don't like this change to be honest.
Dreaming of true love, lost in grey showers You also have a lot of "Ing"s here at the start, again, makes the poem more solid without them.

To always be lonely, never to find you
To never have a lover, to be kind to. Not bad conclusion here as well. Needs a little tweaking Ilasir.

Good, keep writing!!

Triq

Ilasir Maroa · 08-06-2007, 05:33 PM

no offense tri, but that thing you said about "me" seems really stupid of you. If I take out "me", it changes the meaning of the line.

The sky-sea thiong wasn't intentional, but it might show some promise...

Hawks are often associated with hills

I admit to cheating to get the rhyme in the last two lines of stanza two, needs work...

The ings are bad in some places, yes, but in others they are used to show the tense, present and simultaneous to the other parts of the line. ie, S3L4.

The summer rains are what I want, the grey showers are whta I'm getting

the dead was to show my mood at the time of the wishes.

Triquediqual · 08-06-2007, 05:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ilasir Maroa

no offense tri, but that thing you said about "me" seems really stupid of you. If I take out "me", it changes the meaning of the line. But the third line implies it's you. You can't spoon-feed everything to the reader, they'll figure it out for themselves.

The sky-sea thiong wasn't intentional, but it might show some promise...Ok.

Hawks are often associated with hills You didn't read what I said? I said why did you pick a Hawk in a love poem, who cares about hills? Any bird lives around a hill, not just hawks, I still think a more vivid bird can be used hee.

I admit to cheating to get the rhyme in the last two lines of stanza two, needs work...Silly you after all.

The ings are bad in some places, yes, but in others they are used to show the tense, present and simultaneous to the other parts of the line. ie, S3L4.Yes, I just made the point too many of them ruin it.

The summer rains are what I want, the grey showers are whta I'm getting Yes, just realized that now.

the dead was to show my mood at the time of the wishes. Yes, just realized that now.

Needs a hell of a lot of work Ilasir, keep at it!!

Triq

Ilasir Maroa · 08-06-2007, 08:11 PM

Sometimes people choose things intuitively. I see what you mean about the hawks seeming wierd in a love poem, but I think they fit for sopme reason and I just have to find it. If I reallly can't find why I chose hawks, I'll change it.

Again on the "me": There is a difference between looking for someone to love, and looking for someone to love you. I was trying to say the latter in the poem.

I'll fix the "ing"s.

Here is the revised version. Do you think it's better? By how much?

To Find Myself Somewhere

To find myself somewhere up in the sky
Living alone with no-one to love me
Forever longing to finally die
And be buried in the cobalt blue sea

To find myself somewhere up in the hills
Hearing the hawks, aloft on the wing
I listen to songbirds, sharp bittersweet trills
Awaiting the springtime, a lover to bring

To find myself somewhere up in the clouds
Wishing for summer, warm rains and red flowers
Having only the dead, in black and white shrouds
Dreaming of true love, lost in grey showers

To always be lonely, dreaming of you
To never have someone be true

Triquediqual · 08-07-2007, 06:39 AM

Stanza 3 is much better now.

Triq

Ilasir Maroa · 08-07-2007, 10:38 AM

great, but what about 2?

Baron · 08-07-2007, 11:03 AM

If I haven't commented on this before its simply because I've had nothing positive to add. I think that the rewrite works well. Poetry is about imagery and this has it. You can use poetic license with the hawks. The word can be used as a generic term for birds of prey anyway.

Ilasir Maroa · 08-07-2007, 11:07 AM

I was thinking about moving stanza one to the third position. It seems that if I did that, you could see the longing/depression growing stronger as the poem goes on. Does this idea have some merit?

Baron- thx for the comment. I guess the hawks thing was a little more of a concrete image, showing the passing of seasons(notice "springtime" in the last line and "summer" in the next stanza) or somethging.

Triquediqual · 08-07-2007, 11:13 AM

I'll never be a fan of the Hawks, as I believe readers won't think of the above analysis and would prefer a nicer bird so to speak.

As for the stanza, you improved it a lot as the images stand out a lot more than they originally did, so that's great.

Keep writing.

Triq

Ilasir Maroa · 08-07-2007, 11:19 AM

To Find Myself Somewhere

To find myself somewhere up in the hills
Hearing the hawks, aloft on the wing
I listen to songbirds, sharp bittersweet trills
Awaiting the springtime, a lover to bring

To find myself somewhere up in the clouds
Wishing for summer, warm rains and red flowers
Having only the dead, in black and white shrouds
Dreaming of true love, lost in grey showers

To find myself somewhere up in the sky
Living alone with no-one to love me
Forever longing to finally die
And be buried in the cobalt blue sea

To always be lonely, dreaming of you
To never have someone be true[/quote]

there, a few small alterations and I moved a stanza around. Hope it seems better now.

Triquediqual · 08-07-2007, 11:20 AM

Yes, it's better now definitely, but please please remove the Hawks for crying out loud!!!

Ilasir Maroa · 08-07-2007, 11:25 AM

NO! above all, poetry is a orm of personal expression, and the airy image throughout the poem that the hawks are part of makes this one of my favorite poems by me.